I have determined that it’s OK to punch the following people in the face:

People who start to clap along to the music.

People who stand in the fucking doorway.

w

w

w

w

w

w

w

w

w

w

w

w

w

w

It’s also OK to punch the following people in the stomach until blood comes out their mouth:

TV news pundits

Evangelicals

Furthermore, it is A-OK to punch these people in the gonads till they puke:

People who urge Draconian laws 'to protect the children'.

Anyone involved in, or fans of, 'reality shows'.

And finally, I urge you all to punch the following people in the kidneys – HARD – at your first opportunity:

Drivers who don't pay attention.

Tongans.

Thank you!

Douche Quadbike, going it alone. With a rock.

Meet Ben, aka Douche Quadbike.

Ben’s girl Loren left him 2 years ago and he’s been holding a torch for her ever since. In order to impress upon Loren his undying, heartfelt affections, he produced, directed and starred in a YouTube video that has become a living paean to all that is douchy. He then sent this video to every fucking online video forum he could find. The world must know of his love for Loren! The world must also know what a self-involved, overwrought, meathead douchebag he really is!

See it here.

Awful music, idiotic themes and douchebaggery on a level heretofore unknown. Watch Ben drive his GM truck recklessly. Watch Ben hump his quadbike. Watch Ben perform amazing feats of strength for no discernible reason whatsoever. Watch Ben make a public ass of himself – and do it PROUDLY.

Yes, Ben is a douchebag.

Of course, acts of douchebaggery are rarely secret for long. A talented smartass named Sanchez decided to do a parody. See it here: The Ballad of Douche Quadbike. (See lyrics below.)

This was so goddamn funny, I almost died.

Now, you would think that’s the end of it. But no.
You can read the cracked.com saga here. (Warning: long!)

Apparently, Ben was unhappy with the parody and threatened Sanchez with, among other things:

– Several toothless cease and desist take down orders;
– A “mill” lawsuit;
– Assurance that his “team of lawyers” were “on their way” to get Sanchez;
– Assurance that the CIA, DHS and Interpol are hot on Sanchez’ tracks;
– Endless racist, violent threats too varied to repeat here.

And then, things get weird…

Apparently Douche Quadbike fancies himself an actor and has decreed by all that is douchebaggy that he WILL BECOME the star of the upcoming full length feature film Captain America. Furthermore, he deserves this role because he IS Steve Rogers, patriotic defender of America and her interests, wearing his red, white and blue outfit and brandishing his vibranium shield.

Does this explain the Douche Quadbike video with greater clarity? Did Douche Quadbike create this humiliating piece of dreck in in a childish attempt to further his acting career, rather than as a love letter to his long lost Loren?

Well, yes. It does!

It does! It does!

Thus, the Douche Quadbike story takes a new tack, from ham-fisted homosexual douchebag to ego-mad also-ran loser. The Douche Quadbike virus spread quickly to film and comics forums, where his value as a potential Captain America was debated vigorously between Douche’s supporters, people with brains, and Douche Quadbike himself.

We now have a full-on Douche Quadbike mania. Feel free to check out these lovely salutes to Douche Quadbike.

The Ballad of Douche Quadbike – Acoustic!

Douche Quadbike is Panda-Z!

A Sanchez Tribute: The Ballad of ZootSanchez

I’m a Sad and Lonely Douchebag

Douche Quadbike: Downfall (hilarious!)

Yakety Sax Douchebag

…and yes, a Facebook Group.

This is my my fave: electro-pop Douche Quadbike!

You can follow along with the “Ballad of Douche Quadbike” lyrics:

I’m a sad and lonely douchebag
In a cold and cruel world
With tight pants and a quad bike
And a stalk-on for a girl
Gonna spam my way across the earth
To prove to you i’m sweet
Not just a narcissistic golem
Made of random lumps of meat

So babe I’m sorry I was mean to you,
I’m sorry I turned traitor
I’m so sorry that I fucked that waiter

Chorus:
But I’m not gay any more
Had a taste for man ass babe,
But I think I’ve found a cure
All I need to do is lift some things And arrange them on the floor
And you’ll come back to me for sure,
And I won’t beat you like a whore any more

I’m not much good with words, babe, with music or with art,
But I’ll roll the tyres of my sincerity Through the cow field of your heart
The rocks of longing I will lift,
The hay of sorrow drag
And I’ll hope nobody notices that I was gonna
Paint the wrong name on that flag

And I’m sorry that it’s been so long, I’m sorry that I did you wrong,
I’m sorry all the steroids took
Six inches off my dong

Chorus:
Least I’m not gay any more
All these fishtails on my quad bike is why my ass is sore
I got a maybe for a movie part,
Got one foot in the door
I’ll spam my video on messageboards galore
And everyone who sees it will adore me

Hmm, strike a pose

So Loren baby for you and Hollywood I’ll quit the dicks and the rectal friction
Even though it’s a reasonable assumption to make
That your existence is a total fiction

I’m not done with you yet,
Our relationship failed baby,
But i haven’t written off the debt
I’ll make a dick out of myself on the internet
And if you hate me then cancer you will get…

Citizen Ted wishes to extend a hand of thanks to Sanchez and everyone else who made this weekend memorable. Thanks for the LULZ!