I got you! Don't worry about a thing!

Today I am going to solve another one of our most pressing problems. This isn’t a global problem, as most civilized nations have already solved it and the struggling nations of the world are just going to have to tough it out.

I’m talking about the incredibly boring problem of America’s health care.

As ever, we first must frame the problem. In America, health costs are paid by private insurance companies. They finance their operations by raping employees and employers for unspeakable monthly premiums, and control costs by denying coverage and services to people who desperately need medical care.

When you think about it, it makes sense. You give me $300/month. I then spend the money on office infrastructure, stratospheric executive salaries, mind-bending bonuses, and wild, uncontrolled market investments. Sometimes, I must grudgingly pay off claims made by people whining about “broken limbs” and “cancer”. It’s a real drag. Somehow, I make do. You can tell by my 50-story office building in Connecticut.

It's the good life...

Now, there are some dastardly people who want to submarine my operation and introduce government-run health care. Most civilized nations do this. They offer taxpayer-funded health services to their people, while continuing to allow private insurers to sell services to rich people who need weekly aromatherapy to overcome their difficult childhoods.

What’s really frustrating is that, while these government health services aren’t perfect, they’re pretty damn good for the bulk of the people they serve. In Canada, the UK and western Europe, people are healthy and happy. Their tax rates are only slightly higher than ours, and their finances are never devastated by a sudden illness. It’s really irritating.

So, on one side we have clutching, heartless corporate lobbyist scum (me), and on the other we have long-haired dope-smoking commie pinko liberals (everyone else on Earth). Here’s a visual of the dichotomy:

Me...............................................................Them

So. What can we do? I have more lobbying power than the fucking NRA, but the hippies have millions of Americans with arguments, statistics and “empathy”. It’s a real quandary. The rest of the civilized world pretty much laughs at our health care system, yet our medical science is so advanced that many of these cheese-eating fuckers actually pay to come here for treatment. So who is right?

Well, they’re both right.

And the answer – for now – lies somewhere in between, in the gray areas that Americans hate to explore.

Fortunately, since I am Citizen Ted, the most clever and incisive person ever, I have a solution. Ready?

Incremental change.

I know what you’re saying. BO-RING! But stick with me here…

The insurance industry is bigger than God. Just like the oil companies and Paris Hilton, they aren’t going away any time soon. You cannot pass legislation that simply ends their existence. Ain’t gonna happen.

But something HAS to happen. Our health care is the most un-egalitarian and expensive on Earth; change must be made. I recommend not change, but evolution. Here are the steps:

1) Create a federal health insurance bureau that provides insurance to those who don’t qualify at their place of employment or who are uninsured. It will be funded in part by reductions in defense spending (which is retardedly huge), and yes – a tax increase if necessary. Businesses who offer health bennies will be exempt, and those seeking care under this plan will have fairly stiff co-pay’s in order to deter hypochondriacs and help pay into the system.

2) The encouragement of non-profit private health insurance. Let’s get some Wharton grads to put together a stripped-down 501(c)3 that does everything Kaiser Permanente does, but without the profit motive. In order to avoid taxes, they will have to throw money at their insureds. This means less bureaucracy, lower premiums and no more refused medical services. (Some insurers like Group Health are non-profit, but they suck at it).

3) As the skeletal non-profits prove their worth, more businesses will flock to them. For-profit insurers will have to re-jigger their business plan to offering luxury plans to well-heeled snobs only. I’m sure these people would all appreciate each other anyway.

4) If the new non-profits prove their mettle, they will inherit the Earth. If they end up failing or stumbling, they will have at least helped decrease health costs enough for the government and the voters to consider a European or Japanese styled national health service. The transition won’t be so damn painful.

There you go.

There really is nothing more important than our health. Without it, all the riches, all the luxuries, all the three-ways with Ukrainian cheerleaders will mean NOTHING. Life is defined by health. My plan will deliver better health to more people. We must adopt it immediately, or suffer the fate of those who have ignored me in the past. And believe me, it ain’t pretty.

Hi! I'm an idiot who didn't listen to Ted!