What the Hell Are You Doing?

I hear this question all the time.

To be honest, the answer is “not much”. Not writing the great American novel, not producing pithy bon mots for the press, not re-imagining Caesar’s “Gallic Wars” in modern Texas. No. I’m just posting to this forum.

I also post a lot online. Though I was a Usenet “somebody” for 12 years, now I’m a web “nobody”. But I still have some fun. Here’s some recent public posts I’ve made on various subjects, presented here for your delectation and critique:

On the hopeless complexity of modern web media:
“I thought I really understood Web2.0. Then I lost $241,000 investing in nointrinsicvalue.com. Bummer.”

On National Review featuring an Asian charicature of Sonia Sotomayor:
“Well, ya see, the chinks are known to be smart, what with Buddha and Confucius being – you know – smart and whatever. In fact, the Bell Curve makes it quite clear that chinks and kikes have the highest average IQ’s when compared to the white races, the spics and the jigs. So, National Review is just being complementary by portraying Sotomayor as a smart chink rather than a hubcap-stealing spic. In doing so, there’s nothing racist about it. Ya see?


On recent unemployment statistics:
“It doesn’t have to be that way. As Americans, we should proudly march into the local Fed building and, in an operatic bravado, declare to the lobby, ‘Good morning, everyone! I’m FUN-EMPLOYED!!!’
I know I would. But NO. I have to farking work.”

/grumble grumble

On a Brooklyn teen who killed a kitten:
“We’re sorry your parents gave you a retarded name. Normally, that would cause us to consider leniency. But after some deliberation, we have decided that you really don’t have any value to us whatsoever. Goodbye.
BTW: The fish hooks will seem bad at first. That wears off once the hot soldering pencils do their work.

Best Regards,
The Rest of Society

On the impending unemployment crisis in Indiana:
“Hmmm. ‘Indiana’. Isn’t that one of those flat blotches you pass over when flying from one important part of the country to another?”

On Rush Limbaugh:
“Fat, loudmouthed and stupid is no way to live your life, son.”

On obesity in America:
“I’m a researcher at NIH specializing in obesity, and what our team found is the following: fat people aren’t any good and that’s why nobody likes them.”

Photoshop Challenge: If history was written by the losers (won first place! -ed):


On problems with “backward, violent and repressive theocracies”:
“You mean like South Carolina?”

On a legal challenge to a lawsuit involving an atheist billboard:
“I’m a Tibetan Buddhist, and I think this decision was pre-determined in a web of causal phenomena.”

On super-models making policy statements:
“I, for one, base all my ethical, logical, personal and policy views on the conclusions made by fashion models. Things go reasonably well until Janice Dickinson starts talking about the breakdown of Keynesian macro-economic theory when applied to commodities speculation.”

On calls for Obama’s immediate resignation:
“I, for one, am utterly devastated that Obama has failed to fulfill every campaign promise and solve every major national issue in his first 5 months as president. It’s inexcusable.When I go to the Wendy’s drive-thru and order a cheeseburger and fries, they are able to perform the cash transaction and hand over my food in about 90 seconds. Maybe Obama needs to study how Wendy’s does things.”
Photoshop contest: turn an album cover into an advertisement:
On climate change causing a global diarrhea problem:
“We need to deploy heroin worldwide to stem this tragedy.”
I hope you enjoyed these words of wisdom. Stay tuned for more!
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