Hurry the Fuck Up!

Posted on May 12, 2009 by Citizen Ted

Jesus Christ! Move your ass!

Granted, I’m from New Jersey, so I’m conditioned to operate quickly. In Jersey, no one obeys the speed limit and dawdling will get you reamed out with immediate effect. Here in bucolic Washington, life is much slower. Everyone drives at or below the posted speed limit. It’s perfectly acceptable to stand in line and hem and haw and um and aw while a huge queue forms behind you. No one says anything, no one complains.

If you do complain, you are a Jerk. You are in Impatient Ass. You should learn to Chill Out. You may even be a Republican.

Well, I’m not a Republican. I’m just a guy who is infuriated by thoughtless, self-involved assholes with no regard for those around them.

"Dude, like, chill out..."

No, I’m NOT going to chill out, you fuck! Unlike you, I have places to go and people to see. I have priorities and responsibilities. And guess what, asshole? I MEET THEM! I don’t “space out” and end up late for meetings. I don’t leave friends hanging when we agreed to meet at xxx place at xxx time. I don’t tell my boss, “Oh, dude, you’re like, so hung up on the clock, man. What’s the big deal?” Instead, I show up on time and ready to work. Why? Because my boss never comes to my house at 4:30am to make me file a monthly report. They respect my time, I respect theirs.

Respect. That’s what I’m talking about.

Who's holding up the goddamn line???

I’ll tell you who. A vapid, self-involved asshole, that’s who. Now that they are at the front of the line, they think they’ve earned the right to dawdle. They think they deserve to be treated like the Prince of Monaco. They’ll roll their eyes and say “um…uh…” a lot. They’ll change their minds four times, then ask for special dispensation after the transaction. Why? Because they think they are special and more important than everyone around them.

News Flash: you are as insignificant and unimportant as everyone you spy from behind those pretty blue eyes of yours. You are a naked ape; a perfumed hog; a loping baboon. You have moles and creases and bad odors. You are neither noble nor particularly striking. So shut the fuck up, place your fucking order, grab your fucking food and get the fuck out of the line, OK?

"25 in a 45 is fast enough. What's the big rush, sonny?"

The big rush, you octogenarian retard, is that it’s 8:10am and everyone is trying to get to work! You remember work, don’t you? It was that thing that occupied your time many years ago, long before you found joy in crawling down the busiest road in town like a snail, snarling traffic and enraging the community that pays your fucking Social Security. Why are you out driving at 8:10am? Some primordial fish-like reaction causes you to shower, get dressed and go driving in the morning; some errant Pavlovian conditioning has gripped your addled brain. Even though you are retired and should be SLEEPING IN and  enjoying the GOOD LIFE like anyone with a LICK OF SENSE, you’re content re-creating those salad days of rush-hour traffic and frayed nerves. You fucking IDIOT.

I see this crap every day. And I’ve had it. It’s a cultural thing, and I should learn to adjust, but I can’t. The West Coast promotes this whole “chill” behavior. Everything is slow, everyone is special and no one should ever criticize anyone else. Well I’m SICK OF IT. Jersey Boy has invaded your patchouli-stained lands, you self-absorbed suburban nitwits! And he isn’t happy! You WILL conform! The rules are simple:

1) Drive 5mph above the posted speed limit. The cops will NOT ticket you for 5 over, I promise.

2) Stay out of the passing lane unless you are passing. And if you are passing, do it smartly and quickly.

3) Prepare yourself ahead of time when you are in line to order something. Be prepared to order, be prepared to pay attention to the cashier (they are PEOPLE, not your servants!) and be prepared to pay. Then be prepared to get the fuck out of the way for the next person.

4) DOORWAYS ARE NOT LOITERING SPOTS. You fucking MORON. MOVE IT!!!

5) Think about others! Put yourself in their shoes. Have empathy. Show sympathy. Get out of your own egotistical fucking head and start behaving as if you were a very small part of a very big community.

6) Even if you do these things, I’ll probably still hate you, but you can always hope to earn my admiration.

Posted in FAIL., It's All About Me | 5 Comments

We’re All Going to Die.

Posted on May 3, 2009 by Citizen Ted

ZOMG PUSH IT!!!

I love America. Why? It’s our unending hubris. Everyone appreciates the guy with confidence. Women uniformly agree that they find confident men attractive.

The trouble is, overly-confident people usually have no fucking idea what they’re talking about or what they’re doing. The scientific method doesn’t give a crap how confident you are in your hypothesis. Bad ideas will be sussed out. Nature doesn’t care how confident you are. Earthquakes kill heroes and cowards alike.

Confidence isn’t always a good thing. I know it sounds insane, but sometimes a bit of caution is helpful.

Solving complex problems involves a bit of both: confidence that you will succeed and caution to avoid deceiving yourself. Knowing when to apply each is like cooking a steak over an open fire and using liquid butter and a water bottle to adjust the flames.

Which brings us to:

OMFG! Swine flu!

The way the media is telling it, swine flu is just inches away from killing your infant. Never mind the fact that your kid is 9000% more likely to die from regular flu. Never mind the statistics or the numbers. The American media wants you to know that swine flu is poised to cover the Earth with burning piles of corpses. There is no escape and no future; we are all royally fucked.

Burn, baby, burn!!!

OK, I’m being too goddamn sarcastic. Fact is, swine flu (Influenza A H1N1) is a particularly lethal form of the flu. And we are overdue for a pandemic. We haven’t had a real high-quality barn-burner for 91 years.

But folks, by all outward appearances, this flu isn’t THE flu. Its current form just isn’t virulent enough to do the kind of damage that the bobble-heads on TV are warning you about. Yes, it could mutate (unless you’re a Creationist, in which case mutations don’t ever occur unless the Bible describes them). A random mutation that increased virulence and lethality could make H1N1 a real pisser.

But that just hasn’t occurred. So stop freaking out. Stop running off to the ER because you got the sniffles. They can’t help you anyway; if you’ve contracted H1N1, there is no cure. You’ll either die or live. You’re better off staying at home, swilling NyQuil and watching re-runs of Hell’s Kitchen.

If the virus mutates in a bad way, the global networks will certainly let you know. In the mean time, let’s “Keep Calm and Carry On”, OK?

And if the worst should happen, you can rest assured that I will hole up in my bunker with six weeks of provisions and some powerful guns. When the worst is over, I will emerge into the smoking ruins to take full control over a society gone mad. I will rule with an iron fist, but if you prove your worth and join me in hunting down the last of the infected zombies, you can go with me to a secret Paradise waiting in the mountains.

You see? There’s nothing to worry about.

Posted in Political Whingings, Science! | Comments Off on We’re All Going to Die.

Don’t Tase Me, Bilbo!

Posted on April 23, 2009 by Citizen Ted

At the recent Coachella music festival, a guy dressed as a wizard decided it was best to strip naked and walk around stoned out of his gourd. The cops disagreed. Read the story and watch the video here.

You’ll notice that this guy’s dick is very VERY small. So small that it makes MY dick look big. Please just absorb how small this guy’s dick is, let it roll around in your head a bit, then move on with me to the bigger picture.

Watching this video, I’m torn between the two synopses that viewers will take away:

1) These cops were way too brutal.
2) That guy was being a douchebag and ignoring every single thing the cops said.

So, viewer response has polarized between the “fuck tha police state” crowd and the “cops are just doing their job” crowd. Intellectually, I’m about 90% “fuck tha police state” crowd on this one. These cops had ample opportunity to defuse this situation without having to taser the guy in the belly, the neck and the base of his spine. This wasn’t perp control; this was violent punishment for disobediance, plain and simple.

These cops do not deserve to be armed law enforcers. They belong on the JV football coaching staff. Fuck these po-lice.

Yet, as a person who attended live music events, I have many times secretly wished that some big, violent group of thugs would walk up to some pirouetting naked hippie moron and just taser the fuck out of him. Don’t get me wrong: I think people have a right to get really high, walk around naked and be stupid. I really do. But since I personally find that kind of behavior irritating, I often wish the irritation would go away.

It’s the curse of living in a free society. Nobody wants to put up with irritating, stupid people. But we must. We don’t have to embrace them and it’s OK to criticize them. It’s even OK to wish that a piano would land on their heads and kill them.

What we can’t do, however, is trust the state to “use its best judgment” in dropping those pianos.

Posted in FAIL., Political Whingings | Comments Off on Don’t Tase Me, Bilbo!