A Hard Day’s Farts

bunny_fartIt’s time elevate the level of discussion here at citizented.com.

Today, I’m going to talk about farts. More precisely, I’m going to place the humble fart into the framework of the American Way of Life. Take this journey with me; you may find it comforting and familiar.

marilyn_in_bed

Wakey-wakey, sleepyhead!

07:00
The alarm goes off. Rather than leap out of bed, I prefer to wake slowly, just like Ms. Monroe is demonstrating above. Even though my bladder is full and I really need to pee, I hold off and enjoy a few moments of morning solitude. Waking slowly is key to maintaining one’s sense of self-determination in a clockwork world.

Eventually, the bladder can be ignored no more and I trundle off to the toilet. As I deliver a full night’s worth of ghetto gold, my emptying bladder relinquishes room in the nether regions for my first fart of the day. It’s a relieving, triumphal event. It’s like reveille:

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08:30
Time for work! I’m picky about breakfast, so I usually haul in a favorite bagel or fancy French pastry as well as some good hot coffee from the local cafe.

coffee_bagel

Breakfast of champions!

Of course, coffee is a stimulant and in addition to firing up my neurons it also fires up my colon! Having years of experience, I realize that this particular fart may not dismount very gracefully; it’s best to retire to the men’s room, drop trou, have a seat and let all the chips ride. Did I do the right thing? Judge for yourself!

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13:00
Time for lunch! Let’s face it: I didn’t eat a healthy breakfast, so I try to eat a good lunch. Usually, it’s some soup and a fresh fruit or two.

soup

Mmm...tomato vegetable...

Fortunately for my co-workers, I rarely eat chili or bean soup. I’m partial to chicken noodle or wonton. If I should fart at all after lunch, it’s typically a very staid affair…

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15:30
By about this time, I have had enough of work. The day has already seemed long and I’m looking forward to getting home for a quiet meal away from telephones and co-workers. While we would all like to see a greater emphasis on home in our American home/work life equation, we must endeavor to give our best for our employers during work hours.

office-worker

Emphasizing professionalism is very important.

Thus, rather than lift a cheek and blow your ass trumpet, it’s best to apply a bit of decorum and make efforts to minimize the attention you draw to yourself. This is when you pucker up for a squeaker.

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18:00
Home again! Time to chat with friends, make plans for the evening or the weekend, cook up a nice dinner and maybe relax with a Netflix movie. You’ve put in a full day at the office and now that you’re back at your castle, you can really let down your hair. So to speak.

watch_tvIf you’re married or have a long-time sweetheart at home, you’re probably long past the “never fart in their presence” stage of the relationship. After a hearty meal and a relaxed sit on the Barcolounger, it’s no crime to just let one go. Sure, there’ll be a smirk or two, but this is YOUR HOUSE and YOUR TIME. Enjoy it!

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22:00
When we’re making love, baby, the world just goes away. It’s just you and me. I love to feel you close, to hold you in my arms. Oh, baby! You know I love to…oh…oh…oh, baby!  OH! OH!

disgusted-woman

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23:30
It’s been a long hard day. Of farting. Now, as you lie in bed reading a good book, you start feeling sleepy. The worries of the day are tossed into the dustbin of collected woes forgotten.

Reading-in-Bed

Americans preparing for sleep.

And as you lie prone on the bed, you find that your horizontal position has made things a bit easier for your fart tunnel to build up one last ode to life, one last rage against the darkness, one last shout amid an uncaring universe, one last declaration that you are truly alive!

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Goodnight, sweet prince.

6 Responses to “A Hard Day’s Farts”


  • I couldn’t help but notice that the “good morning” and “final word” were the SAME SOUND. I feel cheated.

  • Thanks for noticing! You obviously caught my attempt to close the karmic circle of life!

  • I was just thinking last night about this, and was going to discuss w/ none other than yourself. How come on fart exit, and before your Olfactory system is engaged, you can tell weather it will be a foul smelling, sulfur laden monster, a.k.a. the SBD, or the airy slightly pungent variety that sometime contains more volume, yet disperses with ease. Seem to be a temperature thing. I mean, I can tell from experience, before the actual molecules reach my glomeruli, whether or not I should sound the alarm, and just plain clear on out of there. Just wondering if you could shed some light on the subject, since obviously you are so well versed in said topic.

  • @Christian
    This is a very good observation. I agree that 95% of the time the farter can predict the likelihood of a fart being stenchy. We all know that feeling of “Oh man, this one is gonna SMELL!” Conversely, 5% of the time we are pleasantly surprised when that warm, bulbous feeling in your gut results in a mammoth blast with no discernible odor whatsoever.

    I think that the odoriferous farts feel that way because our colon reacts to he presence of excess methane with a vague feeling of discomfort. Your body is telling you “Hey man, this stuff is NASTY! Fart it out. NOW!”

    And you do, right into your wife’s face, resulting in another argument about your disrespectful behavior. And life goes on…

  • Here’s a question.

    When sitting on the toilet bowl, in an unfortunate mostly constipated state, doing your best to get it out, but nothing is happening, at all, not even a little poopie gas.

    Do you still wipe?

    I do. (just in case)

    But why?
    Nothing happened.
    Seems like a waste of precious toilet paper.

  • Not me. I won’t waste toilet paper. And besides, if some poop fluid did leak into my hairy crevice, it would probably help keep me all “juiced up” for the day. But then, the dingleberries. Oh, the dingleberries. So maybe you’re right, Dave.

    Kids: wipe your ass, even if nothing comes out.

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