It’s time elevate the level of discussion here at citizented.com.
Today, I’m going to talk about farts. More precisely, I’m going to place the humble fart into the framework of the American Way of Life. Take this journey with me; you may find it comforting and familiar.
The alarm goes off. Rather than leap out of bed, I prefer to wake slowly, just like Ms. Monroe is demonstrating above. Even though my bladder is full and I really need to pee, I hold off and enjoy a few moments of morning solitude. Waking slowly is key to maintaining one’s sense of self-determination in a clockwork world.
Eventually, the bladder can be ignored no more and I trundle off to the toilet. As I deliver a full night’s worth of ghetto gold, my emptying bladder relinquishes room in the nether regions for my first fart of the day. It’s a relieving, triumphal event. It’s like reveille:
Time for work! I’m picky about breakfast, so I usually haul in a favorite bagel or fancy French pastry as well as some good hot coffee from the local cafe.
Of course, coffee is a stimulant and in addition to firing up my neurons it also fires up my colon! Having years of experience, I realize that this particular fart may not dismount very gracefully; it’s best to retire to the men’s room, drop trou, have a seat and let all the chips ride. Did I do the right thing? Judge for yourself!
Time for lunch! Let’s face it: I didn’t eat a healthy breakfast, so I try to eat a good lunch. Usually, it’s some soup and a fresh fruit or two.
Fortunately for my co-workers, I rarely eat chili or bean soup. I’m partial to chicken noodle or wonton. If I should fart at all after lunch, it’s typically a very staid affair…
By about this time, I have had enough of work. The day has already seemed long and I’m looking forward to getting home for a quiet meal away from telephones and co-workers. While we would all like to see a greater emphasis on home in our American home/work life equation, we must endeavor to give our best for our employers during work hours.
Thus, rather than lift a cheek and blow your ass trumpet, it’s best to apply a bit of decorum and make efforts to minimize the attention you draw to yourself. This is when you pucker up for a squeaker.
Home again! Time to chat with friends, make plans for the evening or the weekend, cook up a nice dinner and maybe relax with a Netflix movie. You’ve put in a full day at the office and now that you’re back at your castle, you can really let down your hair. So to speak.
If you’re married or have a long-time sweetheart at home, you’re probably long past the “never fart in their presence” stage of the relationship. After a hearty meal and a relaxed sit on the Barcolounger, it’s no crime to just let one go. Sure, there’ll be a smirk or two, but this is YOUR HOUSE and YOUR TIME. Enjoy it!
When we’re making love, baby, the world just goes away. It’s just you and me. I love to feel you close, to hold you in my arms. Oh, baby! You know I love to…oh…oh…oh, baby! OH! OH!
It’s been a long hard day. Of farting. Now, as you lie in bed reading a good book, you start feeling sleepy. The worries of the day are tossed into the dustbin of collected woes forgotten.
And as you lie prone on the bed, you find that your horizontal position has made things a bit easier for your fart tunnel to build up one last ode to life, one last rage against the darkness, one last shout amid an uncaring universe, one last declaration that you are truly alive!
Goodnight, sweet prince.