{"id":1953,"date":"2011-11-19T11:19:20","date_gmt":"2011-11-19T19:19:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/citizented.com\/?p=1953"},"modified":"2013-07-20T11:47:59","modified_gmt":"2013-07-20T19:47:59","slug":"a-royal-pain-in-the-ass","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/citizented.com\/?p=1953","title":{"rendered":"A Royal Pain in the Ass"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/span><\/a><\/span>

Oh, I do say, what's all this fuss then, what?<\/p><\/div>\n

Her full title is Her Majesty Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of Great Britain, Ireland and the British Dominions beyond the Seas Queen, Defender of the Faith<\/em>.<\/span><\/p>\n

Of course, we just call her Ma’am. This utterly benign and inoffensive woman, a kindly yet stoic grandmother recognized by everyone everywhere, is under attack by her own countrymen. Why? Because they’re just sick of her and her kind. That’s why.<\/span><\/p>\n

You’d think that we Americans would understand Britain’s beef with the Queen. After all, nobody dethrones royals and then makes snotty comments about them better than we do. We invented the practice.<\/span><\/p>\n

Yet ironically, we have more respect and devotion for the House of Windsor than Britain does. The Brits trot out plenty of arguments for getting rid of their own royalty. They’re a throwback. They don’t represent brown people. They exemplify achievement without merit and they cost too much. Is it true?<\/span><\/p>\n

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What critics of the royal family may look like.<\/p><\/div>\n

Let’s review some pro’s and cons of British Royalty:<\/span><\/p>\n

Pro’s:<\/span>
\n – They are living links to Britain’s illustrious past.<\/span>
\n – They drive a lot of tourism and charity.<\/span>
\n – They represent the pride of Western Civilization and embody its achievements.<\/span>
\n – They do all this without interfering in the political process.<\/span><\/p>\n

Cons:<\/span>
\n – They happen to be a pretty fucked up family.<\/span>
\n – They cost a fortune.<\/span>
\n – They represent a monarchical system that everyone hoped had died in WWI.<\/span>
\n – The average Briton wouldn’t feel much pain if the royals got the boot.<\/span><\/p>\n

So, how do the scales look? Before you decide let’s delve a little deeper in the lives of the Saxe-Coburg and Gotha (they changed their name to Windsor in WWI to avoid appearing too German).<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/span><\/a><\/span>

Good evening to the Kingdom and all ships at sea. My sister Margaret is a doodyhead!<\/p><\/div>\n

And so…<\/span><\/p>\n

The Royal Cavalcade of Fail<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Princess Margaret<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/span><\/a><\/span>

Show us your tits, love!<\/p><\/div>\n

The Queen’s sister Princess Margaret decided to fall in love with a married man named Peter Townsend. While Henry VIII typically got away with shit like that, the Windsors don’t have Henry’s gravitas. As things started careening toward Margaret wrecking a family to marry this guy, the Queen put her foot down. It’s just so…untoward.
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

The fickle public – who had originally agreed that Margaret should find a more suitable mate – suddenly flipped a 180 and decided that Margaret should marry whoever the fuck she wants to marry and that the Queen was a total bitch for standing in the way of love. You just can’t win in the British court of public opinion.<\/span><\/p>\n

Margaret begged off the marriage and went on to marry and divorce some other schmuck and to later link herself with a couple of other dudes until the British public could no longer make any sense of the woman. A neurotic mess, she chain-smoked herself to death. Not exactly a storybook princess.<\/span><\/p>\n

Prince Charles<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/span><\/a><\/span>

Behold the man who wants to be a tampon.<\/p><\/div>\n

I really want to like Prince Charles. In 1989, he published A Vision of Britain,<\/em> which stands as one of the most sensible and passionate defenses of humane civic design ever written. Chuck is smart and Chuck genuinely loves his realm and all its people.<\/span><\/p>\n

As a child, he had every earthly need met except one: the warmth and security of a loving Mum. This failure has manifested itself in a man who has no idea how to behave around women. His first wife was totally hot, incredibly intelligent and adored by every human being on Earth. Only Charles and his weird family were immune to her charms. She was frozen out of the family and ended up splattered all over a Paris tunnel with her Arab boyfriend.<\/span><\/p>\n

Not only did Charles hound Britain’s beloved princess into the arms of an Egyptian playboy, he was also busy wooing his horse-faced mistress by saying he’d like to be her tampon. Now, I’m no prude. I’d like to be Leelee Sobieski’s tampon! But I would never tell her that. It’s so…gauche. And I’m not even a member of the royal family!<\/span><\/p>\n

Charles, I tried to like you but you are a Class A fuck-up. Seriously.<\/span><\/p>\n

Prince Phillip<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

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I'll give up polo when those dirty foreigners give up communism!<\/p><\/div>\n

The Queen’s husband Philip is a walking, talking caricature of what the British aristocracy once was. For that alone he has value as a living insight into history. Unapologetically racist and elitist, Philip realizes that he shouldn’t say mean things, but by God sometimes these things just need saying, what?<\/span><\/p>\n

I admit a smirking admiration for this man. At 90, he’s not long for this world and we’ll be poorer when he leaves. Here’s\u00a0 a few of his pearls:<\/span><\/p>\n