Don’t You Need Somebody to Hate?

It's an African clothing shop. Relax.

Let’s face it: America is quickly running out of minorities to despise. We have a black president, black military leaders, black performers, and even black captains of industry. To be bigoted and hateful towards blacks is to hate America itself.

And the Mexicans? Gimme a break. They are well on their way to out-numbering whites in the southwest and their diaspora goes all the way to the Canadian border. They have fully integrated into every echelon of the labor market. Hispanics are here to stay. They talk funny, but MAN they eat good food. Gotta love ’em.

That tie ain't foolin' anybody, Habib!

OK. How about the damn a-rabs? Surely everyone can agree that those swarthy, shifty-eyed camel-jockeys are bent on killing every American baby they can get their mitts on, right? Well, it turns out that Arabs and Persians figure heavily in every major metropolitan city and have formed thriving communities from Maine to Iowa to Oregon. Even worse, they tend to be educated, fastidious and law-abiding folk, which makes it ever more difficult to heap mindless hatred upon them. Allah damn it! Who can we hate?

Oh, wait a minute! I got it!

OMG! Phags!

Homos! Everywhere you look, there’s godless queer perverts who convert good Christian boys into slavering cock-obsessed pansies. Women entering college are forced to get bob-cuts and grow hair everywhere else, then engage in long nights of sweaty cunnilingus.

Hooray! Queers are a solid choice for illogical, hypocritical prejudice. No marriage = endless accusations of “sexual promiscuity”. A beautiful self-perpetuating cycle of isolation and derision. We can hate them now and forever.

But wait…

It seems pretty clear that, at some point, judicial review will overturn most anti-gay legislation. I’ll bet my lime-green banana hammock that within 10 years gays will have achieved the right to marry as well as equal rights in housing and employment.

I know, I know. Crazy talk. But it’s true.

And once gays have achieved parity (and stopped dressing like weirdos), they will be hopelessly dissolved into American society. Just another neighbor, just another nuisance in the next cubicle. They may as well be black!

Then whom will we hate? We’re well past hating the Irish, the Italians, the Japanese and the Chinese. Who’s left? I’ve thought about it. And I’ve decided to get the ball rolling early so the next chapter in American bigotry can begin.

And so, America, I give you our next object of your thoughtless intolerance:

The Tongans!

That’s right! We should now focus all of our ignorant contempt towards the people of Tonga! It should be easy. There are about 120,000 of the brillo-haired bastards living on their prehistoric islands, with another 100,000 or so spread around Australia, New Zealand, the US and Canada. This means they will never be populous enough to have any meaningful impact on policy. Furthermore, outside of their tiny islands, they have no famous faces or voices for whom we can feel one iota of sympathy. We can hate them with impunity!

As you know, any good hate campaign has to begin with dehumanization and ridicule. Let’s look at some Tongan facts, then custom-tailor our snotty condescension to misrepresent these facts. Ready?

1) The Kingdom of Tonga is a group of 171 small islands in the south Pacific.

2) They are a relatively poor nation. They have few exports, anemic tourism and a moribund economy.

4) They have a classic Pacific Islander complexion with dark, curly hair and dark eyes.

5) Due to their starchy diet, they tend towards obesity.

OK America? LET THE HATE BEGIN!

Oh, man. I saw this goddamn Tongan on the fucking elevator. Jesus Christ! I thought we’d break the weight limit! I guess if the elevator did fall, I could always land on his big fat stomach! HA!

You know, these Tongans just come in here and take some shitty job and lay around eating fried plantains. The whole damn neighborhood reeks of it!

My God, that Tongan lady is a bitch! She comes waddling into the store and complains because she waited a lousy five minutes for a key to the dressing room. Who does she think she is? Why don’t these people go back to the rat-infested island crap-hole they came from? Sheez!

I’m not a bigot or anything, but those Tongan guys scare me. They come on the bus in a big group and stare at everybody. I mean, it’s intimidating!

I say we take these Tongo’s and show ’em just what America is all about! I mean, if they can’t take a little heat, they probably don’t have the guts to be real Americans! C’mon. Let’s go piss into their convertible.

There you go, America. Handed to you on a silver platter: the next course on the menu of narrow-mindedness: The Tongans!

Ooga-Booga!