I’ve always had a healthy skepticism of words that real estate people use in their marketing. Hell, I’m skeptical of everything everyone uses in their marketing. It’s in my nature.
I don’t mean to denigrate the livelihoods of real estate agents. To paraphrase casual racists: Some of my best friends are real estate agents! And to them I say: please don’t take this as an affront. I love you guys. But you must admit there’s some chicanery going on in the estate of real.
Without further ado, here are some real estate weasel words and my cynical translations.
“Cozy” = Cramped
“Contemporary” = Cookie cutter
“Peaceful” = In the middle of nowhere
“Custom-built” = Slapped together
“Elegant” = Fake bourgeois
“Family Neighborhood” = Screeching kids everywhere
“Historic” = Falling down
“Intimate” = Tiny
“Lifestyle” = Douchey
“Move-in Ready” = Paint has dried
“Rustic” = Crusty
“Transitional” = Poorly considered add-on
“Unique” = Laughably stupid
“Wooded” = Dark
“Sophisticated” = Glasstop coffee table included
“Upscale” = Overvalued
“Modern” = 30 years out of date
“Ultra-modern” = Antiseptic and barren
“Charming” = Small pre-war crap
Thanks for reading! Now you are ready to buy the home of your dreams!