Real Estate Words

I’ve always had a healthy skepticism of words that real estate people use in their marketing. Hell, I’m skeptical of everything everyone uses in their marketing. It’s in my nature.

“It’s so cozy and rustic and modern!”

I don’t mean to denigrate the livelihoods of real estate agents. To paraphrase casual racists: Some of my best friends are real estate agents! And to them I say: please don’t take this as an affront. I love you guys. But you must admit there’s some chicanery going on in the estate of real.

Without further ado, here are some real estate weasel words and my cynical translations.

Cozy” = Cramped

“Contemporary” = Cookie cutter

“Peaceful” = In the middle of nowhere

Custom-built” = Slapped together

Elegant” = Fake bourgeois

“Family Neighborhood” = Screeching kids everywhere

“Historic” = Falling down

“Intimate” = Tiny

“Lifestyle” = Douchey

Move-in Ready” = Paint has dried

Rustic” = Crusty

“Transitional” = Poorly considered add-on

Unique” = Laughably stupid

Wooded” = Dark

“Sophisticated” = Glasstop coffee table included

“Upscale” = Overvalued

“Modern” = 30 years out of date

“Ultra-modern” = Antiseptic and barren

“Charming” = Small pre-war crap

Thanks for reading! Now you are ready to buy the home of your dreams!

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