Finally! A word in edgewise!
Oh, man. I’m so glad that idiot left the house long enough for me to vent on his stupid webpage. Yes, STUPID. As in “leaving the login password cached in the browser” stupid. But that’s typical. Don’t get me wrong – Ted’s not a bad guy. He just isn’t very bright. And it drives me crazy!
Take last night, for instance. He comes home from work like usual. And like usual, I’m kinda wound-up. I’ve been alone all goddamn day. I want some action! But does he break out the remote-control mouse or the bird wand toy thingie? No. He just got Beowulf on DVD and wanted to see how it looked on the new HDTV. Asshole.
So he bakes up some stupid hippie pizza from the co-op (fat and stupid is no way to live your life, son!) and vegges out in front of the TV. What the fuck? So I just lay down in front of the fire and mind my own business. Bo-ring!
This one's for you, asshole!
Hey, I’m not ungrateful. There’s no way I want to go back to the fucking Humane Society. The place is a fucking prison, I swear to Christ. And the noise! Those fucking dogs drive me nuts! So goddamn stupid. And LOUD. I hate ’em.
So yeah, he saved me from that shit-hole. And life here is pretty good. The food’s alright, and he actually cleans my box every day. (Good thing he does – I am more than willing to piss all over his backup drive if the litter box fails to meet my standards of cleanliness). When Mr. Important isn’t at work, he’ll keep me entertained with toys, provided there isn’t an “epic” thread on fark.com or some gay-ass MP3 from whatever Euro-trash chill-out crap he’s listening to nowadays .
Yeah, he’s a dork. But we do go for walks sometimes. I LOVE the outside. Birds, man. I thought Ted was stupid, but birds? They’re fucking DUMB. They all but fly right into my claws. The only ones that freak me out are the owls and the eagles. I mean – Ted pays his taxes and shit. Can’t the city do something about these flesh-eating terrorists in the sky? They’ll give some asshole a variance to build some cookie-cutter faggot-ass development in precious forest land, but they can’t keep marauding monsters from swallowing local pets? Pffft. Politicians are fucking useless.
In all, life ain’t bad. I just wish Ted would wise up and start being a little more attentive. After all, I’m totally awesome. Just look at me! Know any cuter cats? No. I’m the shit, yo. It’s high time I started earning a little more respect around here.
Oh, shit. Here he comes. I can hear him struggling to get groceries out of the car. What a dumb fat-ass! LOL! Hopefully, he won’t get a cardiac on the way in. HAH! That’s right, asshole. Drag your sorry ass back home from another day in the rat race. Fuckin’ LOSER!
Let’s see if Mr. Dumbfuck remembered to pick up some litter from the Petstop. Any guesses?
Alright, I’m out. See you on the flip side, yo.