Top 10 Technology What-The-Fucks

Sometimes, technology can really piss you off.

In no certain order, here are 10 things in modern technology that drive me nuts. Most importantly, these are all things that someone, somewhere, should have said, “This is a really bad idea and we should remedy this ASAP.”

Of course, they didn’t, so…

10. Car Alarms That Toot When You Arm Them

Jesus Christ, will you SHUT THE FUCK UP?

I want to find the asshole who invented this and kill him. As if we don’t have enough noise pollution in our lives, this evil little scumbag decided that simply blinking the parking lights wasn’t enough. No-o-o-o-o. Some gormless fuckwit of a soccer mom sometimes can’t see the lights and needs a re-assuring BEEP to remind her that her Dave Matthews CD’s are safe and sound.

Meanwhile, the rest of us have to put up with a startling BEEP just outside our window when we’re busy jerking off to midget porn. It ruins the mood, let me tell ya.

9. DVD’s That Won’t Let You Skip to the Main Menu

Menu menu menu menu menu MENU!!!

This one is the goddamn worst. You PAID MONEY to buy or rent this DVD. You have no interest in watching the previews of other shitty Hollywood movies and you have no patience for advertisements. You’re in your Barcolounger, Cheetos in your lap, ready to go, but NO.

You are forced to sit through two ads for the studio, a “funny” piracy warning video and umpteen fucking movie trailers. You grind your finger into the MENU button but all you get is the “illegal operation” display in the corner of the screen. Why?

Because some drooling fuckstain at the studio thought that buy-through would increase %0.000054 if everyone was FORCED to watch this shit. No matter that it drove 95% of their paying customers into paroxysms of hatred and disgust. After all, they ALREADY GOT YOUR MONEY. So fuck you, Mr. Customer. You have to watch our marketing crap. You fucked up. You trusted us.

8. Endless Software Updates

I don’t mean to pick on Steam. I love Steam, and I love Valve. But Jesus Christ, fellas: can we stagger the goddamn updates a bit? Not only does Steam update almost daily, but when it does, it  interrupts any full-screen process you might be doing!

(Yes, I know there’s a setting somewhere to stop this, but I shouldn’t have to find it!)

So, I’m sitting at home watching midget porn on my 42″ LCD, things are getting good because the girl midget just took off the pig costume, and all of a sudden this green box intrudes on my screen, pushes the midgets into the background and insists I pay attention because Steam just decided to upload a bug fix that affects 4% of everyone who plays Stalin vs The Martians. WTFingF?

And then there’s my Firefox plug-in’s. None of those plug-in’s can go four fucking days without delaying the execution of Firefox so they can update themselves and solve a problem that some nerd in Bayonne found when you run it on Windows 3.11 and a Cyrix processor.

Meanwhile, I’m champing at the bit to get online and find out if my monthly subscription to was renewed or not. But no. I gotta wait for Downloadhelper to add support for 720p Vimeo files of Justin Bieber. Dammit!

7. Member Cards

Screw you, Frankie!

Nowadays, every brick-and-mortar business in the country has to have a membership card. Without the card, you can’t get all the sale prices and flyer miles and gasoline credits and whatever else they think will lure you into adding yet another tracking device into your wallet.

Soon, your wallet is bursting at the seams with these things and it takes longer to fish it out at the checkout counter than it took you to rally all your purchases. So you swipe it in the machine and some secret database somewhere has fifteen more points of data that say you’re an easy mark and spend money like a American sailor in a Filipino whorehouse.

You’ll soon receive a 15% increase in monthly email spam and a slight alteration to the twice-weekly coupon books that are mailed to your house and end up right in the trash.

What I find most aggravating about this crap is the fact that market analysts no longer have to gather any data. We do it for them! There are no market analysts anymore. They’re all just database administrators. I hope they all get leprosy.

6. Long-Ass HTML Page Titles

Why? I mean, why?

When the hell did it become necessary to have a focus-group-approved marketing paragraph of text in the goddamn title of your webpage? Hello? Bueller?

Hey, Seattle PI: you’re a newspaper. An online-only newspaper after your historic failure in the dead trees market. But that’s what you are: the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, aka Seattle PI. When I visit your website, I don’t need an armful of text scrawled across my browser.

Shit, your title doesn’t even reveal who the hell you are till the very end! I guess some douchebag in your web marketing division decided that forcing everyone to  read spiffy marketing text is a great way to “gain eyespace”. Well, guess what, a-hole? When I bookmark your stupid website it ends up reading like “Totally amazing and fully comprehensive solutions for all your-“

Why the hell should I click on that? Who or what the hell are you? Who knows? DELETE.

Hey, SeattlePI: You want a proper title tag? Here it is. Free, no charge.

Seattle PI: News from Seattle, Washington.

Enjoy. Assholes.

5. CD Packaging

Want over-priced music? Then work for it, bitch!

Now, I know that CD’s are swirling down the toilet of forgotten technology, but I wanted to show one more instance of marketing scum making technology unnecessarily awful.

CD’s – especially those from Sony Music – cannot be opened by a naked ape. They make damn sure you’ll never scratch that polyethylene wrapper off without gouging the jewel case, and if you should somehow thread the needle, you now have two nuclear-bonded stickers clamping the shell closed.

Why? To discourage theft, of course.

Let that sink in for a minute.

Then, go to BitTorrent or Usenet and pirate as much music as your monthly bandwidth allowance can handle. Fuck these guys. Fuck them with a stick.

4. Battery Meters That Dive In Two Seconds

Hey baby, how YOU doin'?

Finally, something I’m expert on. I understand the difficulty in making a battery meter accurate. It’s especially hard when the battery isn’t manufactured by the device manufacturer. Different batteries have different power curves and different “cutoff” or “final voltage” points.

Guesstimating how much juice is left in a battery is a sketchy business. But if the device manufacturer has engineered for a specific battery, it should be very accurate. I’m looking at you, laptops, iPods and cell phones.

But, no. My fully-charged cell phone will have three battery bars. I’ll have a two-minute conversation with my midget porn supplier, and BAM! One battery bar left. WTF?

Is it really out of juice? Or was it never really fully charged? Who knows? The manufacturer sure as hell doesn’t.

3. Wall Warts

Satan's dominion on Earth.

Evil. Pure, preternatural evil.

They hog up receptacles, get hot as hell, fall out of the socket and serve no purpose whatsoever. If your stupid gadget must have DC input, give us an in-line brick. And while you’re at it, let’s winnow down to one goddamn DC jack to rule them all, OK? And let’s all agree that every device should have internal regulators that handle 12VDC input. OK?

Let’s all share one style 2A 12VDC in-line brick. That should be enough to run just about everything, save laptops. We’ll make an 18VDC brick for the laptops.

OK? Now just STOP IT. You’re filling the Earth with this shit, and we just don’t need it.

2. Ginormous Files and Drivers

Do we really need this shit?

When did it become necessary for a device driver to be over 1GB? All I want is the core driver. I don’t want your “Command Center Interface”. I don’t want your “Inline Automatic Update Alert System”. I don’t want your 54MB marketing PDF and I don’t want 10 free MP3’s from Goopy Blowhole and the Fuckstains.

And I sure as hell don’t want your stupid toolbar installed in my browser.

Just install my driver, shut up and go away. Is that asking too much?

I guess so. Because every time I update a device driver or software application, I’m swarmed by piles of shit that are larger than the entire hard drive of my first PC.

You can’t tell me it takes more than 200MB of data to update my fucking Ethernet driver. Do us a favor: re-compile the new driver, then grab your marketing manager by the lapels and headbutt him till blood pours out of his mouth. Thanks.

1. Shitty Keyboards

Behold the majesty of the Model M!

Before this entire thing becomes one long bitch-fest, let me give a well-deserved technology accolade: The IBM Model M keyboard is the finest bit of peripheral gear ever built by any company for any product, ever.

Just look at it. Big, clear buttons that click happily as you type. Each button is spring-loaded for hours of comfortable typing. And bomb-proof? This thing is a 1989 model and many of them are still in business. Neither sandwich crumbs nor spilled beer will affect your Model M. People who own a Model M will never part with them. Never!

Contrast and compare with the cheap, crappy keyboards that litter the market nowadays. If they aren’t woefully crappy and disposable embarrassments, they’re curved, split weird things that fail to improve on the IBM standard bearer.

Nowadays, “chiclet” keyboards, popularized by Apple, are all the rage. I admit they’re better than the awful one-piece  laptop keyboards or the metatarsal-mashing cheap desktop keyboards. But they’re so damn wussy and limp. Keyboards for emo-fags.

You can’t improve on “best”. So give up. Or watch as every person on Earth looks at you and says, “What the FUCK?”



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7 Responses to Top 10 Technology What-The-Fucks

  1. Sandman says:

    I could go on all day about car alarms. Why do we have them, again? So that maybe the rent-a-cops responding to the noise complaint might catch the hobo that broke your window in order to steal your Dave Matthews CDs?

    What causes me endless hours of amusement is walking past a mid-nineties Ford Festiva with body panels in two different colors and the driver’s side mirror bashed off, intruding into its invisible territory, and hearing “PROTECTED BY VIPER. STAND BACK.” If I’m extra lucky, my inertia might carry me the critical two tenths of an inch further and activate it, treating me to an audio medley of every annoying alarm sound known to man.

    It’s territorial pissing by proxy, I tell ya. Nothing more. And it always leaves me wishing I had a baseball bat handy so I could really give that piece of shit car something to cry about.

  2. You know what gets me hopping? When you’re pouring a little milk into your coffee in the morning and those little dried white flakes from the milk container fall into it and makes you go yuk.

    Oh, yeah, and those car alarms? My sister and I really got into it over hers. I timidly mentioned that IT’S REALLY VERY IRRITATING when she would click on her thing to make sure her car was locked just as I was RIGHT THERE by the car, making me JUMP HIGHER THAN whatever. For some reason, she took this as a personal affront. (I have very sensitive and weird family members).

    But now it helps me in some kinda nutso way whenever some stranger in a parking lot makes their car go BOOOOOOMMMMMM with the alarm and it makes me jump, I go right on over and say, “Hi, howya doin’?” That makes THEM look funny! Ha, ha!

  3. Oh, and all those other things you mentioned are right on for the what-the-fuck category, for sure! :-P

  4. Black Banana says:

    How about mofo’s that compress something, so it taks like 10-15 minutes to decompress, so they could ‘save’ a couple of kilobytes of space. Totally WTF.
    Takes longer to decompress than to download the extra bytes YOU STUPID FUCKING CLOWNS!

    +100 on every stupid fucking app wanting to install some stupid fucking toolbar that I don’t want or need. If I said yes to every damn one that wanted to install, I’d have 3 screenfuls of stupid fucking toolbars and no actual browser window. IF I WANT TO SEARCH FOR SOMETHING I WILL USE A FUCKING SEARCH ENGINE.


  5. STEVE says:

    know what else? typing a long text into a serch bar on a mobile device and your text is that long/search bar is too short that you can no longer see what you are typing. or edit it if you make a mistake. you have to hit search to find that out and then rectify it once the page loads.

  6. jc says:

    All I need is one more fucking toolbar before I trash the thing!

  7. Big Jim says:

    I always thought I was the only one who hated those car horn alarms. Those are beyond stupid.

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