Saving the World, Pt. 1

Welcome to the first in a series that solves the world’s major problems.

These solutions are provided by me (in my infinite wisdom) in order to make the world a better place. When the world is a better place, my environment is improved and my life becomes better, so please understand that my motivations may appear selfless, but they are, in fact, quite narcissistic.

Today’s solution is lasting peace between Israel and the Palestinians.  I will not be addressing the current bit of unpleasantness in Gaza because it doesn’t matter. That’s right: it doesn’t matter. All those people protesting the Israeli actions in Gaza are wasting their breath. They are complaining about a symptom. They are like old women bitching about a hangnail when their bodies are wracked with cancer.

After this action in Gaza, time will go by. Israelis will do something selfish and dumb, the Palestinians will do something violent and dumb, and the process will continue ad nauseum.

Another lousy day in Gaza.

I have the solution.

It’s a two-state solution, but with some enhancements. 

Palestine will become an autonomous republic. The West Bank and Gaza will be joined by a roadway corridor, much like Gorazde corridor in Bosnia. The Palestine Corridor will run from Eshkalot in the West Bank to Gaza City. It will include a 20 meter buffer. Israel will be tasked with walling it off (if they insist), as well as building overpasses to connect north and south. 

The Israelis can monitor the corridor all they like, but the Palestinians will be able to freely travel along it. 

And they will need to do that a lot because the new two-state solution will include some massive changes to Palestinian society. Things are going to get busy!

Primarily, this will entail out-westerning the Israelis. With investment from the nations of the Arab League, Palestine will become a haven of casino hotels, recreational marijuana consumption, no-questions-asked international banks, and strip clubs. 

Palestinians will quickly discover that behaving like wild-eyed religious reactionaries is far less fun than beating the Israelis at their own game. They will do as our Native American brothers have done: they will exploit the wealth of whitey in order to make some moolah. 

This is the future. This is how peace will reign. Here is how it will look:

Israel after Unification

Israel after Unification

As you can see, the Golan Heights will have the majority of strip clubs. This is because Golan shares a border with Lebanon, Syria and Jordan (and the Zionist homeland). These cultures produce more potential clientele than the entire Rust Belt of the United States. Don’t smirk, ladies: we’re talkin’ 700 bucks a day, easy. Put on that micro mini and hie thee to the Golan!

The West Bank, being a bank, will serve as a no-questions-asked tax haven for international depositors who require a great deal of discretion and security. Are you gonna bust into Ramallah to steal bearer bonds from the Yakuza? No, I didn’t think so.

Gaza, having a long filthy shore, will be cleaned up. MGM Resorts will build hotel casinos overlooking ersatz Phoenician trade ships plying the Mediterranean shore. Dutch diamond merchants, San Jose software developers, and Russian “importers” will keep the tables hot year round.

Palestine can finally become what it was meant to be: a sunny place full of exotic faces where a handjob is $5 and the valet won’t steal roaches from your BMW’s ashtray. Palestinians will have a slow climb to become peers of their Jewish neighbors, but the relationship will become symbiotic rather than parasitic.

There you go. Problem solved.

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2 Responses to Saving the World, Pt. 1

  1. eric says:

    I like the cut of your jib, but I’m not so sure about the Indian reservation idea. Reservations are, from what I hear, pretty shitty places to live. Sure, there’s no violence, but reading from the likes of Sherman Alexie, they’re quite depressing.
    But, I suppose that’s better than random rockets from one border and “smart” bombs from the other.

  2. admin says:

    Thanks for the input. I agree that Indian reservations aren’t desirable places to be. I spent a lot of time at the local res because a buddy lived there, and the poverty was not enticing. Nonetheless, a mere 100 years ago the tensions were so bad that killings and reprisal killings were commonplace. We had a US Army fort commanded by Civil War lunatic George Pickett (of Pickett’s Charge fame) whose sworn duty was to repress the Indians brutally. Nowadays, the res is a place of poverty, cheap beer and pot. And a casino. And fireworks. And packs of loose dogs. It ain’t heaven, but it ain’t hell, either.

    The Palestinian territories have potential. Crazy at it sounds, the Gaza Strip and West Bank could reap huge benefits from tourism if they would just “bury the hatchet”. Israel, like the US, is an inevitability. You don’t have to like it, but you do have to admit it.

    I look forward to sipping daiquiris on the beach in Gaza City one day. If they want my money, all they have to do is loosen up on the religious bullshit and come to terms with international trade realities.

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