Saving the World, Pt IV

This time, saving Earth is FUN!

My buddy Alex and I were recently discussing the state of the world. We agreed that, goshdarnit, there’s just too much hatred and distrust on this planet.

But what’s a global population to do? When the Irish hate the Brits, the Americans hate the Mexicans, the Hutus hate the Tutsis,  the Tibetans hate the Chinese and everybody hates the Jews…it’s all just too much!

It seems we just can’t do anything about it. But that’s not true! We have a ready resource that is fully capable of solving all the ethnic hatred on Earth.

It’s called hot chicks.

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Umm, yeah.

Doesn’t matter who you are or where you’re from; hot chicks make all your problems disappear. Even if you’re a woman. Because everyone knows that lesbian action is HOT!

Centuries of diplomacy have failed. Centuries of war have failed. Violence has failed. Cruelty has failed. There is only way to end all the divisiveness: hot chicks!

Ethnic groups that distrust each other should share with each other their hot chicks. I can guarantee you that all those national tensions will be relieved. Literally.

And so, I propose that we begin a global effort to share our hot chicks with the men who are most likely to affect positive outcomes.

persian_cheney

Worth a try?

Would a hot Iranian chick soften Dick Cheney’s heart? Or am I reaching too far?

I submit that after two months in a tropical location, exploring every inch of this beauty, nature would work its magic and even the coldest heart in America would start to feel differently about the Iranian people and, by extension, Mideast policy.

ahmedinajad_hottie

Allah take her!

Reverse scenario: we send Ahmedinajad all the American cheerleaders he could handle. He’ll be singing “I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy” within a week, I promise. Furthermore, when push came to shove, would he really nuke THAT? I think not.

Don’t believe me? In my previous post, I mentioned my interest in Yugoslavia. It’s worth noting that while republics and villages broke down along ethnic lines in Yugoslavia, people in mixed marriages didn’t participate in the war. Love had conquered their hearts; there was no need to conquer their lands.

milosevic

Hot Croatian chicks could have prevented disaster!

After the Japanese surrender to US forces in WWII, the Japanese government was fearful of widespread sexual abuse of their women at the hands of the barbarian Americans. In order to prevent this catastrophe, they created brothels aimed at GI’s and staffed them with hot chick volunteers from across all the islands of Japan. It was considered a patriotic duty for a Japanese woman to offer herself to the invaders (for a small fee, of course).

It worked brilliantly. To this day, geriatric WWII veterans think back wistfully about the “pan-pan” girls.

DouglasMacArthur

MacArthur never touched them, but he recommended them highly.

The pan-pan girls helped realize Japan’s transition from a militaristic fascist empire to a capitalist democracy that eschews foreign war as a valid way of projecting power. Hot chicks made all the difference and to this day round-eyes line up for the latest fetishes from Nippon. America and Japan now form the greatest peaceful partnership the world has ever known.

I rest my case.

Hot chicks of America: are you willing to give up a bit of personal dignity in order to make the world a better place? If it’s any consolation, we men do it regularly. It’s called “American diplomacy” and it requires us to behave like completely worthless tools.

Thank you.

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