Wipe Your Ass!

Tommy Toilet has never spoken truer words. Not that he makes a lot of public announcements. And I admit he has a rather narrow stable of interests. But you can’t deny the truth he evinces in this brilliant screed: you really should wipe your ass after taking a shit.

Why?

Are you kidding me??? Because nobody wants to be around some skid-marked mongo who reeks of week-old turds! That’s why!

“Oh, Ted. You’re just being juvenile. I thought you were so damn smart! This website of yours is getting dumb…”

Juvenile? Dumb? I think not. You should read the book “FLUSHED: How the Plumber Saved Civilization”. Here’s a link: FLUSHED: How the Plumber Saved Civilization

In it, author W. Hodding Carter describes the history of plumbing, from the primitive sewers of the ancients to the ancient copper pipes under your house. Throughout, a singular truth maintains: it doesn’t matter how much money you have, how educated you are or how cultured you may be: if you are knee-deep in bilge, you are NOT civilized. The humble plumber delivers civilization, not the warrior or the teacher.

Chew on THAT!

Now that we have set the serious tone for this conversation, let’s talk turds: we Americans need to re-consider and evolve our poopular practices. We have top-notch sewage systems as well as universal access to indoor toilets and some of the fattest, fluffiest toilet paper the world has ever beheld. So fluffy, in fact, that local grocers are known to squeeze it for cheap sexual thrills.

In America, we wipe our asses. We wipe ‘em good. We mow down massive virgin forests to pulp the trees into mush, chlorinate the Christ of it, then reel it out into miles and miles of miles of TP. We stock up on the stuff so we never run out. And each time we take a dump, it is followed by a barrage of wiping. Whether you fold neatly and wipe, bunch it up and wipe, stroke it front-back-front-back or just scrub it till it’s red and sore, we Americans wipe our asses with a vigor heretofore unmatched.

This concerns me.

If all this ass-wiping and all this toilet paper is necessary for normal hygiene, how did we ever make it to the 21st century? Is our success as a species a fluke? I say no. I say that America has an unhealthy obsession with toilet paper.  I say that we need to learn from others and find a new way to wipe.

We’ll begin by facing facts: the vast majority of Earthlings shit into a hole and wipe their asses with their hands. Don’t believe me? Go to any Third World locale, leave the capital city and mingle among the commoners. Eat their spicy foods, get a bellyache, and go take a shit. You’ll be surprised.

Most people shit into a hole. If they have plumbing, they’ll shit into a hole in the floor, like this one:

As you can see, they plant their feet aside the hole, crouch and squeeze out some dachshunds. When the deed is done, they wash their asses and hands using water from the basin. See any toilet paper in this photo? No. It’s all manual, baby. Back to basics.

Is this less hygenic than our perfumed paper serenade? Not really. You may think your hands never touched the poop when you inspect your toilet paper to judge if the job is finished, but you’re wrong. All the icky poop germs easily traversed that thin paper prophylactic and lodged themselves deep in your fingernails and the folds of your grimy mitt. That’s why you wash your hands after. You DO wash your hands, right?

So, toilet paper is not necessarily “better” than a good hand-washing. So why do we do it? Because it psychologically removes us from the presumed offensiveness of the act. It makes us feel more civilized than the animals who squat over holes and splash mucky water on their feces-smeared buttocks. It elevates us. It distinguishes us. It makes us appear “better”.

But it does something else to us: it makes our assholes red and sore. All my life, I have suffered regular (weekly) bouts of diarrhea. I’m not interested in diagnoses of Chronic Diarrhea Syndrome (CDS) or Crohn’s Disease or whatever. I just have a sensitive tummy. Pizza, Indian food and spicy meals make me squirt untold quarts of butt mud every time.

After a lifetime of this, I am amazed at how well my anus has handled it. As I write this, it is as content and springy as a newborn babe. Why? Because my anus has seen The Light.

It occurred on a recent trip to Japan. I had never been there before. When I arrived in Shinjuku, the first thing I did was hie myself to the teeny bathroom to take a dump. The airplane food dismounted poorly. It was one of those pasty, thick poops that normally requires a good 1/5th of the roll. You know – you’re basically just smearing the ass butter all over your cheeks. Each paper inspection is more alarming than the last. You never seem to get that final clean wipe that indicates the coast is clear.

But wait! This is Japan! The Land of the Rising Sun is also the Land of the Rinsed Buns! I inspected my toilet carefully. There was a handle with buttons and Japanese instructions. There were also icons. Like a British explorer deciphering a Babylonian grave marker, I made some sense out of it.

It wasn’t this toilet, but it was much like it. I was able to discern BIDET-MALE-TEMP-PRESSURE. So I selected carefully and to my surprise and delight, a mechanical friend positioned itself below my butt and sprayed a nice warm cascade of spritzy water right up into my butter-smeared buttocks. The sense of relief was universal. Entire continents swooned in unison with me as my turd-pincher sang a stirring love song and exalted in its own being.

As the final stanza trickled away, I turned off the bidet and wiped my ass with about three lousy squares of toilet paper – just enough to sop up the water – and it came away CLEAN.

This is how truly civilized people wipe their asses! It’s the perfect harmony between the Middle Eastern crap-hole, the French bidet and the American paper-thon. This is how we were meant to wipe ourselves. Not manually, but digitally. Throughout the rest of my trip, I spent many a happy moment on the john, spritzing away my worries and fears, and not a few Klingons.

I am now determined to find me one of these toilets. The premier manufacturer is Toto. They have some dealers in big American markets, but it’s almost impossible to find any of these wonderful Japanese-style toilets in the US. Research shows that not only are Toto toilets awesome, but they have the best flush-action-per-gallon in the world. The engineers that gave us the Honda Accord and the Sony Trintron also know a thing or two about flushing down the spackle, if you know what I mean.

Sit down, America! Sit on a Toto toilet! Stop rubbing your ass red with miles of American forests! Let the water do the work! I call on all Americans to contact their heroes – the American plumbers – and demand a Toto bidet toilet. If we all act with one voice, we can create change. Japan has shown us that there is hope. And where their is hope, there is life. I learned that in a Nicholas Cage action movie.

Put down the roll and press the button. Your asshole will thank you.

4 Responses to “Wipe Your Ass!”


  • I don’t want to chew on any of that.

  • most indians and arabs use a pipe to wash and then wash their hands thoroughly with soap. this is the most hygienic method. I cant imagine how morons just wipe with toilet paper and call themselves hygienic and civilised walking around with shit particles in their pants not to mention shit stained hands.

  • prathith shetty careers international mangalore gate kankanady mangalore 575002 india

    i liked your opinions which are really correct.The american madness of repeatedly wiping with tp really does not give expected results.We in India also clean up using suffecient water and nowadays most toilets come fitted with a jet directed towards your asshle or an extra length of flexible pipe fitted with a shower head is provided which does the job fine.At the same time it is amust procedure to use your left hand fingers to cleanup nicely using the waterspray, and we get up and wash our left hand fingers wth soap and proceed to take a bath.This is very normal metod all educated people practise.Ofcourse sophisticated toilet like toto maynot yet arrived in India but we will catch up soon.Thanks and regards

  • Thanks, Prathith. Because you were so kind in confirming my opinion, I let you keep your little “marketing buzz” in your name. May your ass be forever clean and fresh.

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