Black Friday

Let me make this clear: if you got up early on Friday to line up outside some stupid retail hell in order to “score bargains”, you are a moron who deserves to be etched from the tapestry of human experience. If you are reading this and you are one of those people, I strongly recommend you kill yourself immediately. Just find some rope and hang yourself. Really.

In the news today, a WalMart employee was killed when the usual Black Friday stampede trampled over his sorry WalMart ass. In the coming months, we’ll endure all the lawsuits and dodged responsibilities that these events generate. All the while, we will utterly ignore the ignoble, unAmerican, uncivilized idiocy that is Black Friday – the cause of all this garbage. No one will blame stupidity and crass corporate greed for this annual self-humiliation. Instead, we will wonder how we can improve it so next year won’t be so homicidally vapid.

But there is another way. There is the Way of Ted. If you are patient and listen well, I can offer you a chance to enjoy Black Friday with pride, humility and joy. Are you ready? OK. Here we go:

On Thanksgiving Day, enjoy yourself. Stay up late. Eat that piece of pie. Fuck it. Then, on Friday morning, sleep in till noon. That’s right: noon. Ignore the pets/kids/neighbors and whatever. Tell every one and every thing to to go fuck itself. Then, get up slowly and in your own good time. Make some breakfast. French toast is a good choice. Be sure to have some organic juice, too. Not the stuff with the corn syrup. The good stuff.

After breakfast, pay attention to your loved ones and pets. In no time, it’ll be dinner time. Eat out or stay in; doesn’t matter. Then, in the evening, you should watch a movie or have sex with someone. I know you slept in late, but you will feel sleepy again before midnight. I promise. Off to bed with you!

There you go. A picture perfect Black Friday. This is the day after Thanksgiving. Treat it like the day after Thanksgiving.

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