Odds and Ends

Huh? What?

It’s time to let ole’ Teddy vent a bit. It won’t hurt, and it’ll be over soon, I promise.

Let’s start with this one: P-Diddy wants to be James Bond


Where dat Moneypenny bitch at?

I thought about it for a bit, and came up with this:

Dear Diddy;
You aren’t qualified to portray a dancing tin of Gold Bond Medicated Powder, much less iconic British spy James Bond. So why don’t you get back to your studio and try to auto-tune whatever talentless retard you are currently grooming, you witless hack.

Sincerely,
All of America

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NEXT: Fat slob sues Applebee’s for serving her fat ass too much food

OM NOM NOM!

You may think I’m going to cry and wail about the fat bint suing Applebee’s. Wrong. I don’t care. In fact, I wish her well in her lawsuit! It’s the least these guys deserve after reading this story. And I quote:

Applebee’s spokesman Patrick Lenow said the lab tests are misleading because they are based on testing involving a small sample of menu items from a few locations. He said the menus acknowledged that some variation in fat and calorie content was possible.“Trying to take a very small number and extrapolate that over a very large chain really isn’t possible,” Lenow said.

Trouble is, every other time you ask a chain restaurant mouthpiece about consistency throughout the franchise, you will get a 100% ironclad guarantee that every restaurant observes strict and rigorous checks to ensure that every time you visit any Applebee’s you get the same menus served the same way as the Applebee’s you regularly visit. Consistency is the name of our game and all that claptrap.

Well, which is it, spokesman Patrick Lenow? You dick.

I hope Fatty-Fat sues you guys into the fucking ground. Weasels.

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NEXT: Richest 1% garner 30% of America’s salaries

Don't think we won't, fuckers!

Rich Republicans have to be pretty stupid to publicly hope that Obama fails. If this economy truly tanks, it won’t be the poor who suffer. Half of Connecticut will be in flames and poor people will be bargaining over the charred sticks of furniture. A third of all salary paid in the United States: a 256% increase in adjusted dollars. While the rest of us 99%er’s wallowed in an average 21% increase – despite truly stunning increases in productivity since 1979. Ever wondered who benefited all that increased productivity? Wonder no more.

If rich Republicans were smart, they’d be fighting for unemployment extensions and gun control.

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NEXT: Standing on airplanes?

All aboard!

RyanAir has been testing the waters of this “standing-only flights” thing for months. Essentially, they want you to lean back against some metal support, probably tying you down with WalMart twine to make sure you don’t fly through the cabin should they taxi into a commuter bus. Rather than flight attendants, there will be just one white, tobacco-spittin’ Southern overseer with a riding crop to make sure you don’t “threaten the safety of the flight”.

The economy of scale involved is obvious. But I have a solution for RyanAir and the other airlines: increase fares. We don’t want our airlines run by Guatemalan discount store owners. We want safety and comfort and a tiny, tiny chance for a civilized travel experience. If you can’t deliver that, then we’ll build high speed rail, nationalize it and shit all over your party.

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And now, some good news: Young Indian women plow fields naked to summon rains

Time for work!

I am fully committed to this effort. In fact, I am willing to travel there and assist the ladies in wiping off the dust from the day and enjoying a few cocktails.

2 Responses to “Odds and Ends”


  • For some reason, I totally spaced everything in the article except the last bit about India. Two points:

    1. They don’t ALL look like that.

    2. If they did all look like that, or similar, my expectations of your behavior in those same fields, as a witness, bring to mind some ancient Babylonian legends about fertility and agriculture. Those involving having one off the wrist, mostly. Yeah, supposedly either the Tigris or Euphrates rivers, or both, are the result of an “epochal act of masturbation” on the part of some diety. This is an opportunity, in your role as cultural anthropoligist, to bring about some syncretization vis-a-vis local folkways regarding fertility and agriculture. I leave the details in your capable hands.

  • Good luck losing the weight! Make a good impression for us Americans…

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