What Your Car Says About You

World-renown geneticist or ghetto loser?

While it’s true that generalizations aren’t immutable law, it’s fun to associate cars with their owners. I find myself accurately discerning a person’s disposition by judging their car – even without bumpersticker clues.

In today’s post, we’ll explore the tendency of people to buy cars that reflect their own sensibilities. This isn’t rocket surgery, and it’s hard to refute since car ownership is a voluntary decision.

We begin…

1990's Lincoln Town Car

I’m retired US Navy. I’ve had it with all these hippie whiners crying about oil. The way I see it, those damn Arabs are sitting on our oil and it’s our job to get it! That’s why I served: to keep this country great! Now I live in a nice split-level in Boca Raton with a perfect lawn and all my service awards in the study.  I abide speed limits to the letter because they’re there for a REASON, dammit! Now shut up and get back behind me in the passing lane, Steve McQueen.

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Ancient Subaru

Hey, man! What the fuck? Oh, yeah. So anyway, we just got back from an AWESOME summer in Yosemite, man. Fuckin’ Cap was TIGHT! 34 pitches. Yeah, Stacy had to help me – shit was gettin’ hairy, yo – but she’s awesome and that’s why she’s my babe. We lost a good rope and three Dead tapes, but those were the only downers, man. Frisbee Dog LOVED IT. Campfires under the stars, lit up by some righteous dank nugs. This winter: Jackson Hole, baby! Woooo-hoooo!

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Saab - the one and only.

I really don’t think Six Sigma applies to us, but as Project Manager I’ll comply with my usual competence. I’d say my department’s secure as can be hoped. Had to take the wife’s Chocolate Lab to the vet yesterday. Damn thing piddled on the back seat. I’m off to All-County Detailing to get the interior scrubbed. Again. On the way back, I need to check out some new labels at the Wine Shoppe. I heard they have a new Oregon Pinot to die for. Steve in Engineering says it’s perfect with Gruyère, and I really wanted to try it with my new crostini. Gotta go. Can I bring you back a mocha?

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The Raddest Ricer Ever

Yo, bitch! Just got in the last piece for the dash mod, yo. Shit is SICK. Mom’s still givin’ me shit about takin’ over the garage for so long, but I ain’t hackin’ on the driveway, you know whut I’m sayin’? This motherfucker needs CARE. What does she know anyway? Minivan-drivin’ beeyotch don’t know shit about cars and don’t when to shut the fuck UP! Fuck her. And besides, yo: once this new blower belt gets all synced up, I’ll be pissin’ in everybody’s teeth Friday night. I’m gonna get me some BITCH-ES! Mmm-hmmm!!! Man, I ain’t had my dick sucked for TOO LONG, you know whut I’m sayin’? Oh, wait up…yeah, Mom. I’ll get one. Just back off, OK? Jesus! Yes, I’ll do it when I get home. Bye…Anyway, what wuz I sayin’?

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Hummer H2

This has nothing to do with global politics. If you would read once in a while, you’d know there’s a lot more to it than oil. And besides, all those assholes in hybrids don’t even realize that those cars cause more pollution than Hummers! Really! You can read all about it in Free Republic. Fact is, my car is efficient by any standards you care to name that mean anything. And it provides the kind of safety I think I deserve after working hard my whole life. I have something to protect. I guess you don’t.

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Beat up Chevy Cavalier

Oh, Lord! How do you give me the patience to deal with these kids? I don’t know, but I’m glad you’re with me, Lord. After Jimmy went to prison, I thought it was over but you’ve been there every step of the way, even if it was hard to tell sometimes. One of these days I’ll give this car a good cleaning. These Burger King wrappers just don’t glorify the cross hanging from the rearview mirror, do they? Well, I hope today’s bake sale goes well. I could use a few bucks – there’s not two but THREE garage sales this Saturday in the Ascot Woods Estates – they ALWAYS have good stuff.

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The "new" VW Bug

Anyhoo, hello! It’s nice to meet cha! Yeah, I’m Kathleen, the one in H.R.? I REALLY like it there. Everyone is SO nice! Did you get that office flyer on diversity? I wrote that! Yeah, really! I’m movin’ up! HA HA HA! But that isn’t all I do. HR is a lot of work! Sometimes I think all that work is what messes up my diet. I work SO HARD to watch it, you know? But it’s hard! So anyhoo, some of us girls are going to see John Mayer next month. You wanna go? It’ll be totally great!

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Chevy Luv mudder

Carol Ann? Get me mah clutch dowel, will ya? No, it’s the thing what looks like a pin bolt. Dammit woman! I’ll juss git it muhself. Ya know, that woman drives me plum crazy. And if I don’t get this clutch ‘n pressure plate in by noon, I ain’t gonna make it to Custis Lee park for the softball tryouts! See, the way I figger, if I can get on the Georgia Pro Auto Parts team as a ringer, they might hire me for some work. Damn niggers – especially that one in the White House – made it so a man can’t find a job nowadays! But I ain’t gonna get all worked up. First things first – where’s that got-damn clutch dowel?

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Mercedes-Benz E350

I don’t know where I find the time. The maid was late and some fool at Tiny Dancers canceled Brigette’s ballet lesson without informing me. Not even a text! Another wasted trip! With Richard away in the Caymans till May, it’s all up to me to keep this ship afloat. I do my part, of course. But we’ve still got the bayview house in an escrow holding pattern and Lord knows our portfolio dividends are dried up almost completely. If it wasn’t for Richard’s offshore interest-bearing accounts, I don’t what we’d do! Well, I’ve got to go. Hair and nails at 2. Ta!

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Mazda Miata

Oh, GAWD! Have you SEEN what they did to Ricky’s? That place was SO FABULOUS before those awful Persian people took over. Steve and I are pretty much set on the Old Gray Bucket in Lakeview nowadays. You know, we actually met there. He looked SO HOT in that Hugo shirt. I didn’t even see his ass and I was in love! Oh! Did you hear? We’re gonna have a civil ceremony! I’m really sorry you can’t make the list, but it was really just family and the CLOSEST of friends. You understand, don’t you? Oh, I knew you would. You’re so sweet! Well, I’m off now. Sale at Bloomingdales!

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Toyota Prius

There are larger issues than mere fuel economy. Our decisions have consequences. It comes down to whether you want to support our hopeless interventions in the Middle East or if you think that reason should trump desire. Actions speak louder than words, and while it’s part of a bigger overall effort, the efficient use of gasoline is at least a start to making this country smarter and more efficient. Haven’t we had enough of the greedy and stupid running things? I know I have. It’s about actions. I compost my kitchen waste, I recycle everything else. These things add up. And while others may disagree, I actually think Nancy Pelosi is kind of hot.

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Jesus Fucking Christ

I’ve juss don’t give a fuck. You can..you can…juss keep talkin’ shit and I ain’t hearin’ ya. Mother..fuggers. No. No. No. No. Fuggoff. I got it. I got it. I got it. Godammit. OK OK OK! I’ve had enough of this shit! It was only a couple. Plus some shots. So shut the fuck. Up. I got this shit handled. What are you, my fuggin mother? More like my motherfucker, you fuggin…you fuggin…I dunno what. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Whatsis? Oh. I know. Yeah. Keys! Keys! I got my keys. You see? You see? S’cool. Everything is cool. I’m totally. Cool. *urp*

7 Responses to “What Your Car Says About You”


  • Oh Teddy, you’re beginning to scare me. Just a teensy bit. But I love it, so keep me giggling.

  • You’re a bit off about the Mazda Miata, in my experience, but amusingly so!

    Mind you, I live in Bellingham, Washington, so our demographics might be a little off compared to the rest of the country. But Washington’s Miata club (yes, club) has been predominantly middle-aged married couples.

    Around town, I mostly see middle-aged to older women driving the cars. As I admitted to one of my friends, THEY might be gay, but they’re more likely the wives and/or ex-wives of the middle-class men who bought those shiny red cars during a mild midlife crisis ten to fifteen years ago (these guys tend to keep them in pretty good shape until they can afford a roomier car again).

    It’s the affordable convertible with great gas mileage, who ELSE is going to buy it but a sensitive new-aged guy who wants to take his wife for a spin around the county with 32 other couples? Seriously.

  • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA fuck. Excellent work, dude!

  • That was original, and awesome. I just stumbled across your website through your fark profile. Hilarious stuff.

  • Typically, when clicking on stuff like this, I know it’s going to be humor for those with an IQ of 95 (or lower). Still, there is usually one thing that will make me chuckle.

    (this is where I’d be listing the one thing)
    (yes, in this space right here. The one thing that was funny)

    It’s not even like I’m trying to be a douche. This just wasn’t funny. Sorry man, swing and a miss.

  • @Jason: thanks for your honesty. Please do check back once in a while to see if I’ve gotten funny yet. Really. Just like lifting weights or wiping my ass, I’m always trying new techniques to improve myself.

  • Damnit. I just got back from picking up a latte when I saw this. I drive a Saab.

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