Hurry the Fuck Up!

Jesus Christ! Move your ass!

Granted, I’m from New Jersey, so I’m conditioned to operate quickly. In Jersey, no one obeys the speed limit and dawdling will get you reamed out with immediate effect. Here in bucolic Washington, life is much slower. Everyone drives at or below the posted speed limit. It’s perfectly acceptable to stand in line and hem and haw and um and aw while a huge queue forms behind you. No one says anything, no one complains.

If you do complain, you are a Jerk. You are in Impatient Ass. You should learn to Chill Out. You may even be a Republican.

Well, I’m not a Republican. I’m just a guy who is infuriated by thoughtless, self-involved assholes with no regard for those around them.

"Dude, like, chill out..."

No, I’m NOT going to chill out, you fuck! Unlike you, I have places to go and people to see. I have priorities and responsibilities. And guess what, asshole? I MEET THEM! I don’t “space out” and end up late for meetings. I don’t leave friends hanging when we agreed to meet at xxx place at xxx time. I don’t tell my boss, “Oh, dude, you’re like, so hung up on the clock, man. What’s the big deal?” Instead, I show up on time and ready to work. Why? Because my boss never comes to my house at 4:30am to make me file a monthly report. They respect my time, I respect theirs.

Respect. That’s what I’m talking about.

Who's holding up the goddamn line???

I’ll tell you who. A vapid, self-involved asshole, that’s who. Now that they are at the front of the line, they think they’ve earned the right to dawdle. They think they deserve to be treated like the Prince of Monaco. They’ll roll their eyes and say “um…uh…” a lot. They’ll change their minds four times, then ask for special dispensation after the transaction. Why? Because they think they are special and more important than everyone around them.

News Flash: you are as insignificant and unimportant as everyone you spy from behind those pretty blue eyes of yours. You are a naked ape; a perfumed hog; a loping baboon. You have moles and creases and bad odors. You are neither noble nor particularly striking. So shut the fuck up, place your fucking order, grab your fucking food and get the fuck out of the line, OK?

"25 in a 45 is fast enough. What's the big rush, sonny?"

The big rush, you octogenarian retard, is that it’s 8:10am and everyone is trying to get to work! You remember work, don’t you? It was that thing that occupied your time many years ago, long before you found joy in crawling down the busiest road in town like a snail, snarling traffic and enraging the community that pays your fucking Social Security. Why are you out driving at 8:10am? Some primordial fish-like reaction causes you to shower, get dressed and go driving in the morning; some errant Pavlovian conditioning has gripped your addled brain. Even though you are retired and should be SLEEPING IN and  enjoying the GOOD LIFE like anyone with a LICK OF SENSE, you’re content re-creating those salad days of rush-hour traffic and frayed nerves. You fucking IDIOT.

I see this crap every day. And I’ve had it. It’s a cultural thing, and I should learn to adjust, but I can’t. The West Coast promotes this whole “chill” behavior. Everything is slow, everyone is special and no one should ever criticize anyone else. Well I’m SICK OF IT. Jersey Boy has invaded your patchouli-stained lands, you self-absorbed suburban nitwits! And he isn’t happy! You WILL conform! The rules are simple:

1) Drive 5mph above the posted speed limit. The cops will NOT ticket you for 5 over, I promise.

2) Stay out of the passing lane unless you are passing. And if you are passing, do it smartly and quickly.

3) Prepare yourself ahead of time when you are in line to order something. Be prepared to order, be prepared to pay attention to the cashier (they are PEOPLE, not your servants!) and be prepared to pay. Then be prepared to get the fuck out of the way for the next person.

4) DOORWAYS ARE NOT LOITERING SPOTS. You fucking MORON. MOVE IT!!!

5) Think about others! Put yourself in their shoes. Have empathy. Show sympathy. Get out of your own egotistical fucking head and start behaving as if you were a very small part of a very big community.

6) Even if you do these things, I’ll probably still hate you, but you can always hope to earn my admiration.

5 Responses to “Hurry the Fuck Up!”


  • Dude, I’m sorry. I was just in the middle of a conversation with the bassist of my experimental blue-grass band when I got to the front of the line. If I didn’t finish my thought, our band may never have gotten around to writing that song about how bad republicans are, and how we can beat them by shopping at the Farmer’s market.

  • Remember that time you held up traffic to let me into your car? >:) hahaha

    Not that I’m ungrateful. It smelled very nice in that car (until after I’d been in it).

  • Oh, Ted. If I didn’t think you’d eat it, I’d gladly have your baby. I love you!

  • Pretty funny! I’ve seen those things happen too, and they’re annoying. Scrube, you’re funny too! LOL…

  • d00d, I’m not from Jersey but Oklahoma, the land of we-todd-Ed, good book thumper ffolks. and I’m totally with you. have a frakkin’ G-D purpose or get out of way! out of the gene pool permanently would be better. I’d even gladly help by performing a radical, and virtually immediate Kervorkian-esqe procedure on their ass. these types infuriate me and I’m a pretty laid back chill guy. problem is; they’re either too distracted by their own self importance or too stupid to realize they’re actually out IN the big wide real world. and btw, take some responsibility for your own actions. your ‘rents may have f*cked your psyche when your were a bed wetter, but you CAN change. life sucks, get over it, NEXT!

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