Funda-Mentalism


When stupidity collides with weaponry.

I’m not harshing on religion this Sunday. I’d like to. But I’m not. Instead, I just want to present the endless war between Christianity and Islam in a way that we can all understand: by being flippant and uploading some funny pictures. Zionists and Hindu extremists will be left out of this discussion because they’re just not as numerous, vocal or destructive.

NOTE: Before any of you religious folks start flipping out, please understand that this article focuses on religious fundamentalists: right-wing Christian lunatics and cut-throat Muslim absolutists. I’m very aware that most Christians are philanthropic, open-minded, reasonable people and most Muslims are non-violent, well-behaved citizens. Unfortunately, neither mainstream Christians nor rank-and-file Muslims work very hard at marginalizing and denouncing the extremists in their ranks. That job is left to us atheists.

Let’s start by looking at the differences between Christian Fundamentalists and Muslim Fundamentalists:

The names of their Gods

The names of their Holy Books.

Their modus operandi.

OK. Now let’s move on to the similarities:

Fanatical devotion to outdated cultural mores.

Rejection of Evolutionary Theory in favor of Creationist silliness.

Scumbag religious leaders using money and media to advocate war and bigotry.

Using the cosmic carrot/stick to rationalize murder and instill fear.

Infiltrating government in order to formalize fundamentalist agenda.

Belligerent black/white thinking that defies logic and reason.

Referencing ancient historic enmity to rally hatred and pride.

Manufacturing internecine hatred within the greater religious sphere.

Enforcing cultural and political diminution of women's rights.

Stated goal to create global obedience to their narrow belief system.

Fomenting violence and hatred toward religious moderates and critics.

And finally…

Just being a bunch of fucking idiots.

It should now be quite clear that Christian fundamentalists and Muslim extremists are two sides of the same coin. To preserve order and help these twins realize their common ground, I propose we (and by “we” I mean anyone with a brain who rejects absolutist ideology) should allow them to work together in close company so they can create a synergy of peace and harmony. I have the following solution:

The Azores

These are the Azores in the north Atlantic, a Portuguese archipelago with plenty of arable land and room to graze livestock. The current 250,000 inhabitants can be offered the chance to escape to Portugal or Brazil in advance of the resettlement of the world’s fundamentalist assholes. Portugal and the Azoreans will receive an endowment of $8 billion (or 1/100th of our currently planned stimulus package) to oversee the process.

The rolling hills of Faial Island in the Azores. Home sweet fundie home!

With the lunatic fringe left to their own devices in the middle of the Atlantic, we can get back to the serious work of solving the coming energy crunch, easing international tensions and creating sane, egalitarian technological societies.

In the mean time, I’m sure the newly-minted Fundie Islands will serve their masters well. I am quite sure there will be peace and harmony among these super-religious peoples.

(We can check on it every few months to see if anyone is left alive…)

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