I like dogs. But I just don’t want to live with dogs. It’s a practical thing. The smell, the mess, the destruction, the noise. For me, they outweigh the pluses: a true buddy, a travelin’ pal, a little brother. Instead, I like cats. Yeah, yeah, I know. “Oooh! The middle-aged bachelor has a cat! How surprising! FAG!”
Well, they see my kitty rollin’, they hatin’. Fine. But my cat is different. My cat is the best cat ever. Heard that one before? It’s all lies. Krazy Kat Ladies all say their cat is the best ever. But they’re wrong – MINE’S the best. Want proof? Here we go:
1) My cat has never – NEVER – peed or pooped anywhere but outside or in her box.
2) My cat gets disciplined once and remembers. “Biting Ted’s toe at 3:45am” is no longer in the behavioral pattern.
3) When I get home from work, she leaps from her window, bounds up to my car, then leaps onto the hood as I park beneath the car cover. From behind the windscreen, she meows loudly, “You’re home! Awesome! Let’s play! Hooray!” How cool is that?
4) You can’t herd cats, but you can walk them. My cat is a female, so her territory is tiny. She never ventures more than 50ft from her window. That is, unless I take her for a walk. Then she will venture – at my heel – around the grounds, inside the Manor, and far out into the woods. She loves these walks. No leash necessary – one whistle and she’s back at my side.
5) My cat fetches. Nuff said.
6) My cat has no interest in human food. Not even tuna! She never begs.
7) My cat is unaffected by catnip. She is beyond the cat drug culture.
8) Cheap toys: her favorite is the balled-up cover sheet from a Netflix delivery.
9) At night, when I’m reading in bed, she’ll snuggle up on my chest and stare right at my face, purring madly. If it’s a bit cool, she’ll gently rake a paw on my shoulder, which means “let me in”. I’ll lift the covers and she’ll settle in, her chin resting on my arm, purring away madly. It’s too cute for words.
10) When the lights go out, she leaps off the bed and quietly goes to her chair. It’s Teddy’s snoozy time. She’ll be quiet and respectful until I awake (which she detects with preternatural accuracy).
So, rather than go on about me, I give you my cat. The best cat ever.
My pal, Fudgie: