Things About Me

Self-assessment is a daring enterprise.

Self-assessment is a daring enterprise.

I got one of those annoying tags making the rounds on Facebook. Since I have been less than forthcoming about who I really am on this site, I figured this was an opportunity to open up to my readership. Hopefully you will learn more about me and make a more informed decision about how awful I am.

If you want, you can email me your responses to these questions. Go ahead. Let it all out.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
St. Jude Thaddeus. He was an apostle of Jeebus and has the shortest (1 page) book in the bible. He’s just before Revelations. Look him up!

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
When me Mum died.

3. FAVOURITE WEEKEND PLANS?
Going to Binky’s to eat pizza, watch a movie and talk smack.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT?
Sopressata.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Fuck no. I hate the little bastards.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Yes. I would also offer me handjobs all the time.

7. HOBBIES?
Writing, arguing, music, guitar, film, British TV, recreational farting.

8. DO YOU HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Why? Do you need them?

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
I don’t have the “gotta get close to death to feel I’m alive” gene, so no.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL
As a child, it was Quisp. As an adult, it’s basic granola.

11. PETS?
My pal Fudgie the pussycat.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM
I like my ice cream like I like my women: cold, vanilla, and dripping down my chin.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
How amazingly stupid and unworthy of my affections they are.

15. RED OR PINK?
#660000.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF
The weird fatty deposit on my left bicep.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Charles Laughton.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
Bitches better.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Domokun jammy bottoms and slippers.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Zero7.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
If I was a crayon, I’d be unable to express myself.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
The charred corpses of my vanquished foes.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Felix.

25. FAVOURITE TRAVEL DESTINATION?
Vienna. Long live the empire!

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
I’ll watch some Seahawks games, but my tiny interest is dissolving rapidly.

27. HAIR COLOR?
Light brown. What are you, a cop?

28. EYE COLOR?
Now I know you’re a cop.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
I’m 20/20, baby.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Veal parmigiana.

31. BIGGEST FEAR?
The surviving children of my vanquished foes.

32. OCEAN OR FRESH WATER?
Fresh. Especially Lake Baikal, the biggest lake in the world.

33. PUB OR NIGHT CLUB?
Pub. When I want retarded music blasted into my face, I’ll let you know. Till then, a quiet pub will do.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter. I enjoy the quiet and I also enjoy the knowledge that happy summertime people are fucked for months. Heh!

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Disgusting! Keep your filthy paws to yourself, you fucking perv.

37. WHAT CAUSE WOULD YOU FIGHT FOR?
Universal sterilization of all humans.

38. LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS?
Doesn’t matter. They’re all too hopelessly far away.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
“Among the Thugs” by Bill Buford.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Little blue squares or something.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Nothing. I did watch an episode of MI-5 on Netflix, tho.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
The crackling bones of my vanquished foes as their bodies burn on the field of Honor.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles. At least they could sing.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
(Quick GoogleEarth) Zagreb, Croatia.

45. HOW WOULD YOU CHANGE THE WORLD?
Give it back to the creatures who deserve it.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
What are you, a cop? New Brunswick, NJ.

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
All of them, of course. Or do you expect me to crush some of my friends by declaring I don’t care what they think? Man, you’re an asshole. And a cop, too.

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Are you nuts? Read this crap. Do you think any woman would have me?

Maybe I'm being too hasty...I was just kidding about te "vanquished foes" thing, ladies! Really!

I was just kidding about the "vanquished foes" thing, ladies! Really!

2 Responses to “Things About Me”


  • RE: Fark.com comment

    Lovely riposte to soy_bomb on 2010-01-12 09:28:22 PM
    Regarding Iceland’s economic collapse

    “/are you a professional retard, or you an aspiring amateur?”

    However, I just skimmed the stuff above and must disagree with you on #43. The Stones were real musicians, not over-produced/over-exposed jongleurs (intentional inflammatory statement–love their later work).
    I’m a fucking Citizen Ted fan–man I’m screwed.
    BTW: The Beatles’ heavy production was precipitated by John’s personal discomfort with his “reedy” voice.

    Fred–crayon: magenta or sky blue–they both taste the same.

  • Hi Fred!
    I agree the Stones were better musicians. I mean, Keith Richards vs George Harrison? Nigga please. But outside of their early works (Hot Rocks), the Stones really make me cringe. It’s Jagger. I want to see him publicly beaten with rattan canes until blood comes out of his mouth. He just doesn’t work for me. Never has. That’s why whenever a ‘Beatles vs Stones’ question comes up, I lean Beatles. It’s my anti-Jagger bigotry asserting itself.

Comments are currently closed.