Saving the World, Pt. 1

Welcome to the first in a series that solves the world’s major problems.

These solutions are provided by me (in my infinite wisdom) in order to make the world a better place. When the world is a better place, my environment is improved and my life becomes better, so please understand that my motivations may appear selfless, but they are, in fact, quite narcissistic.

Today’s solution is lasting peace between Israel and the Palestinians.  I will not be addressing the current bit of unpleasantness in Gaza because it doesn’t matter. That’s right: it doesn’t matter. All those people protesting the Israeli actions in Gaza are wasting their breath. They are complaining about a symptom. They are like old women bitching about a hangnail when their bodies are wracked with cancer.

After this action in Gaza, time will go by. Israelis will do something selfish and dumb, the Palestinians will do something violent and dumb, and the process will continue ad nauseum.

Another lousy day in Gaza.

Furthermore, there is no point in going over the historical idiocies that resulted in this state of affairs. Why cry about the Four Holy Cities, the Balfour Declaration, the ’67 War, Yassir Arafat’s terrorism, Israeli settlers, the evil of Hamas, etc etc? None of that shit really matters. If that shit mattered, then there would be peace in that region today. The problem would have been – one way or the other – solved by force or by compromise. The time has come to forget the past, deal with today and solve the problem comprehensively so tomorrow will be a better day.

I have the solution.

I call it the “Injun Joe” gambit. In a nutshell, it would place all of Israel, the West Bank, the Golan Heights and the Gaza Strip into one Israeli nation. The Palestinian territories would become “reservations”. Though living under the Israeli flag, they would have some autonomy from federal law. They would, however, remain compliant to provincial law. Re-districting will place regions of current Palestinian territories within  smaller local provinces contiguous with Israel. All walls will come down. All peoples in this area will become Israeli citizens and carry Israeli passports with all the rights and privileges of being an Israeli citizen.

“Tut tut,” you say, “the Palestinians will NEVER submit to being Israeli citizens!”.
“Tut tut,” you say, “the Israelis will NEVER allow Palestinians to roam free among them!”.

Maybe not today or next week. But once the wheels of re-districting start turning, this inexorable process will win out. In America, there were hundreds of thousands of Injuns who swore to fight and kill any and all white men who invaded their land or attempted to raise their filthy American flag on tribal land. There were white men in power who wanted the savages wiped off the face of the continent. There were a few centuries of ugliness, with atrocities committed by both sides.

The two races never really dissolved into each other, but the rancor and hate subsided. They live apart, mostly, but the reservation system became effectual.  Native Americans are full citizens of the United States. They can vote and drive SUV’s and cheat on taxes and get thrown out of bars. Yes, there is still some resentment and still some racism. We are human. There will ALWAYS be some resentment and racism. The important thing is to realize that blood enemies became united under one flag, with a certain degree of autonomy bestowed upon the oppressed by the oppressor.

Indigineous, meet Emo.

Indigenous meets Emo.

Indian reservations are no longer hotbeds of armed insurrection. Instead, the Native American elders wised up and built casinos, cigarette discount stores, fireworks stalls and smoked-salmon-in-a-box. The white man comes onto Injun land not with guns, but with dollars. Indian populations have increased greatly in the last 80 years, but they do not involve themselves in national politics too much. It’s beneath them. Conversely, Americans don’t involve themselves in tribal politics too much. Sometimes Indians move into cities and sometimes whites move onto tribal land. For the most part, everybody is happy. Peace reigns.

Some say that Palestinians cannot be integrated into Israel because they very nearly outnumber Jewish Israelis and would take over the Knesset and turn Israel into a Muslim theocracy. Bosh, I say! Bosh! The Palestinians aren’t stupid.

OK, a bunch of them are stupid.

They will see the big picture. Once they realize that they are now considered Israelis by every diplomatic nation on Earth, they will begin shouldering the burden of being an Israeli. Though Muslim, the heavy yoke of the Jewish work ethic and its firing squads of Jewish grandmothers and JIPs (Jewish Israeli Princesses) will give the Palestinians new perspective. They will see how the Israeli people have suffered, and a meaningful cultural cross-pollination can begin.

Uptight, ultra-right Zionist douchebags will learn to chill out and smoke some Lebanese blond at the local “café”. Quran-slapping, suicidal nutcases will be sidelined by the Palestinian masses who want to get their hands on some scant Israeli land. They will all eventually come to terms with the almighty sheqel.

Arabs will see that behaving like a wild-eyed mullah has no future. They will do as our Indian brothers have done: they will exploit the wealth of whitey in order to make some moolah. Jews will see that having a working class labor force that isn’t locked behind barbwire is far more profitable than armed occupation.

As generations are born and die, integration will continue. It may be rocky, but it will continue.

This is the future. This is how peace will reign. Here is how it will look:

Israel after Unification

Israel after Unification

As you can see, the Golan Heights will have the majority of strip clubs. This is because Golan shares a border with Lebanon, Syria and Jordan (and the Zionist homeland). These cultures produce more potential clientele than the entire Rust Belt of the United States. Don’t smirk, ladies: we’re talkin’ 700 bucks a day, easy. Put on that micro mini and hie thee to the Golan!

The West Bank, being a bank, will serve as a no-questions-asked tax haven for international depositors who require a great deal of discretion and security. Are you gonna bust into Ramallah to steal bearer bonds from the Yakuza? I didn’t think so.

Gaza, having a long filthy shore, will be cleaned up. Disney and Trump will build hotel casinos overlooking ersatz Phoenician trade ships plying the Mediterranean shore. An international market of Dutch diamond merchants, San Jose software developers and Russian “importers” will keep the tables hot year round.

Israel can finally become what it was meant to be: a sunny place full of exotic faces where a handjob is $5 and the valet won’t steal roaches from your BMW’s ashtray. The Knesset will moan, fights will break out in bars, lovers will meet discreetly, and two cultures will become one. Palestinians will have a slow climb to become peers of their Jewish neighbors, but the relationship will become symbiotic rather than parasitic.

The new Star and Stripes. Forever?

The new Star and Stripes. Forever?

There you go. Problem solved.

2 Responses to “Saving the World, Pt. 1”


  • I like the cut of your jib, but I’m not so sure about the Indian reservation idea. Reservations are, from what I hear, pretty shitty places to live. Sure, there’s no violence, but reading from the likes of Sherman Alexie, they’re quite depressing.
    But, I suppose that’s better than random rockets from one border and “smart” bombs from the other.

  • Thanks for the input. I agree that Indian reservations aren’t desirable places to be. I spent a lot of time at the local res because a buddy lived there, and the poverty was not enticing. Nonetheless, a mere 100 years ago the tensions were so bad that killings and reprisal killings were commonplace. We had a US Army fort commanded by Civil War lunatic George Pickett (of Pickett’s Charge fame) whose sworn duty was to repress the Indians brutally. Nowadays, the res is a place of poverty, cheap beer and pot. And a casino. And fireworks. And packs of loose dogs. It ain’t heaven, but it ain’t hell, either.

    The Palestinian territories have potential. Crazy at it sounds, the Gaza Strip and West Bank could reap huge benefits from tourism if they would just “bury the hatchet”. Israel, like the US, is an inevitability. You don’t have to like it, but you do have to admit it.

    I look forward to sipping daiquiris on the beach in Gaza City one day. If they want my money, all they have to do is loosen up on the religious bullshit and come to terms with international trade realities.

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