Monthly Archive for July, 2009

Odds and Ends

Huh? What?

It’s time to let ole’ Teddy vent a bit. It won’t hurt, and it’ll be over soon, I promise.

Let’s start with this one: P-Diddy wants to be James Bond


Where dat Moneypenny bitch at?

I thought about it for a bit, and came up with this:

Dear Diddy;
You aren’t qualified to portray a dancing tin of Gold Bond Medicated Powder, much less iconic British spy James Bond. So why don’t you get back to your studio and try to auto-tune whatever talentless retard you are currently grooming, you witless hack.

Sincerely,
All of America

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NEXT: Fat slob sues Applebee’s for serving her fat ass too much food

OM NOM NOM!

You may think I’m going to cry and wail about the fat bint suing Applebee’s. Wrong. I don’t care. In fact, I wish her well in her lawsuit! It’s the least these guys deserve after reading this story. And I quote:

Applebee’s spokesman Patrick Lenow said the lab tests are misleading because they are based on testing involving a small sample of menu items from a few locations. He said the menus acknowledged that some variation in fat and calorie content was possible.“Trying to take a very small number and extrapolate that over a very large chain really isn’t possible,” Lenow said.

Trouble is, every other time you ask a chain restaurant mouthpiece about consistency throughout the franchise, you will get a 100% ironclad guarantee that every restaurant observes strict and rigorous checks to ensure that every time you visit any Applebee’s you get the same menus served the same way as the Applebee’s you regularly visit. Consistency is the name of our game and all that claptrap.

Well, which is it, spokesman Patrick Lenow? You dick.

I hope Fatty-Fat sues you guys into the fucking ground. Weasels.

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NEXT: Richest 1% garner 30% of America’s salaries

Don't think we won't, fuckers!

Rich Republicans have to be pretty stupid to publicly hope that Obama fails. If this economy truly tanks, it won’t be the poor who suffer. Half of Connecticut will be in flames and poor people will be bargaining over the charred sticks of furniture. A third of all salary paid in the United States: a 256% increase in adjusted dollars. While the rest of us 99%er’s wallowed in an average 21% increase – despite truly stunning increases in productivity since 1979. Ever wondered who benefited all that increased productivity? Wonder no more.

If rich Republicans were smart, they’d be fighting for unemployment extensions and gun control.

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NEXT: Standing on airplanes?

All aboard!

RyanAir has been testing the waters of this “standing-only flights” thing for months. Essentially, they want you to lean back against some metal support, probably tying you down with WalMart twine to make sure you don’t fly through the cabin should they taxi into a commuter bus. Rather than flight attendants, there will be just one white, tobacco-spittin’ Southern overseer with a riding crop to make sure you don’t “threaten the safety of the flight”.

The economy of scale involved is obvious. But I have a solution for RyanAir and the other airlines: increase fares. We don’t want our airlines run by Guatemalan discount store owners. We want safety and comfort and a tiny, tiny chance for a civilized travel experience. If you can’t deliver that, then we’ll build high speed rail, nationalize it and shit all over your party.

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And now, some good news: Young Indian women plow fields naked to summon rains

Time for work!

I am fully committed to this effort. In fact, I am willing to travel there and assist the ladies in wiping off the dust from the day and enjoying a few cocktails.

What Your Car Says About You

World-renown geneticist or ghetto loser?

While it’s true that generalizations aren’t immutable law, it’s fun to associate cars with their owners. I find myself accurately discerning a person’s disposition by judging their car – even without bumpersticker clues.

In today’s post, we’ll explore the tendency of people to buy cars that reflect their own sensibilities. This isn’t rocket surgery, and it’s hard to refute since car ownership is a voluntary decision.

We begin…

1990's Lincoln Town Car

I’m retired US Navy. I’ve had it with all these hippie whiners crying about oil. The way I see it, those damn Arabs are sitting on our oil and it’s our job to get it! That’s why I served: to keep this country great! Now I live in a nice split-level in Boca Raton with a perfect lawn and all my service awards in the study.  I abide speed limits to the letter because they’re there for a REASON, dammit! Now shut up and get back behind me in the passing lane, Steve McQueen.

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Ancient Subaru

Hey, man! What the fuck? Oh, yeah. So anyway, we just got back from an AWESOME summer in Yosemite, man. Fuckin’ Cap was TIGHT! 34 pitches. Yeah, Stacy had to help me – shit was gettin’ hairy, yo – but she’s awesome and that’s why she’s my babe. We lost a good rope and three Dead tapes, but those were the only downers, man. Frisbee Dog LOVED IT. Campfires under the stars, lit up by some righteous dank nugs. This winter: Jackson Hole, baby! Woooo-hoooo!

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Saab - the one and only.

I really don’t think Six Sigma applies to us, but as Project Manager I’ll comply with my usual competence. I’d say my department’s secure as can be hoped. Had to take the wife’s Chocolate Lab to the vet yesterday. Damn thing piddled on the back seat. I’m off to All-County Detailing to get the interior scrubbed. Again. On the way back, I need to check out some new labels at the Wine Shoppe. I heard they have a new Oregon Pinot to die for. Steve in Engineering says it’s perfect with Gruyère, and I really wanted to try it with my new crostini. Gotta go. Can I bring you back a mocha?

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The Raddest Ricer Ever

Yo, bitch! Just got in the last piece for the dash mod, yo. Shit is SICK. Mom’s still givin’ me shit about takin’ over the garage for so long, but I ain’t hackin’ on the driveway, you know whut I’m sayin’? This motherfucker needs CARE. What does she know anyway? Minivan-drivin’ beeyotch don’t know shit about cars and don’t when to shut the fuck UP! Fuck her. And besides, yo: once this new blower belt gets all synced up, I’ll be pissin’ in everybody’s teeth Friday night. I’m gonna get me some BITCH-ES! Mmm-hmmm!!! Man, I ain’t had my dick sucked for TOO LONG, you know whut I’m sayin’? Oh, wait up…yeah, Mom. I’ll get one. Just back off, OK? Jesus! Yes, I’ll do it when I get home. Bye…Anyway, what wuz I sayin’?

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Hummer H2

This has nothing to do with global politics. If you would read once in a while, you’d know there’s a lot more to it than oil. And besides, all those assholes in hybrids don’t even realize that those cars cause more pollution than Hummers! Really! You can read all about it in Free Republic. Fact is, my car is efficient by any standards you care to name that mean anything. And it provides the kind of safety I think I deserve after working hard my whole life. I have something to protect. I guess you don’t.

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Beat up Chevy Cavalier

Oh, Lord! How do you give me the patience to deal with these kids? I don’t know, but I’m glad you’re with me, Lord. After Jimmy went to prison, I thought it was over but you’ve been there every step of the way, even if it was hard to tell sometimes. One of these days I’ll give this car a good cleaning. These Burger King wrappers just don’t glorify the cross hanging from the rearview mirror, do they? Well, I hope today’s bake sale goes well. I could use a few bucks – there’s not two but THREE garage sales this Saturday in the Ascot Woods Estates – they ALWAYS have good stuff.

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The "new" VW Bug

Anyhoo, hello! It’s nice to meet cha! Yeah, I’m Kathleen, the one in H.R.? I REALLY like it there. Everyone is SO nice! Did you get that office flyer on diversity? I wrote that! Yeah, really! I’m movin’ up! HA HA HA! But that isn’t all I do. HR is a lot of work! Sometimes I think all that work is what messes up my diet. I work SO HARD to watch it, you know? But it’s hard! So anyhoo, some of us girls are going to see John Mayer next month. You wanna go? It’ll be totally great!

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Chevy Luv mudder

Carol Ann? Get me mah clutch dowel, will ya? No, it’s the thing what looks like a pin bolt. Dammit woman! I’ll juss git it muhself. Ya know, that woman drives me plum crazy. And if I don’t get this clutch ‘n pressure plate in by noon, I ain’t gonna make it to Custis Lee park for the softball tryouts! See, the way I figger, if I can get on the Georgia Pro Auto Parts team as a ringer, they might hire me for some work. Damn niggers – especially that one in the White House – made it so a man can’t find a job nowadays! But I ain’t gonna get all worked up. First things first – where’s that got-damn clutch dowel?

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Mercedes-Benz E350

I don’t know where I find the time. The maid was late and some fool at Tiny Dancers canceled Brigette’s ballet lesson without informing me. Not even a text! Another wasted trip! With Richard away in the Caymans till May, it’s all up to me to keep this ship afloat. I do my part, of course. But we’ve still got the bayview house in an escrow holding pattern and Lord knows our portfolio dividends are dried up almost completely. If it wasn’t for Richard’s offshore interest-bearing accounts, I don’t what we’d do! Well, I’ve got to go. Hair and nails at 2. Ta!

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Mazda Miata

Oh, GAWD! Have you SEEN what they did to Ricky’s? That place was SO FABULOUS before those awful Persian people took over. Steve and I are pretty much set on the Old Gray Bucket in Lakeview nowadays. You know, we actually met there. He looked SO HOT in that Hugo shirt. I didn’t even see his ass and I was in love! Oh! Did you hear? We’re gonna have a civil ceremony! I’m really sorry you can’t make the list, but it was really just family and the CLOSEST of friends. You understand, don’t you? Oh, I knew you would. You’re so sweet! Well, I’m off now. Sale at Bloomingdales!

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Toyota Prius

There are larger issues than mere fuel economy. Our decisions have consequences. It comes down to whether you want to support our hopeless interventions in the Middle East or if you think that reason should trump desire. Actions speak louder than words, and while it’s part of a bigger overall effort, the efficient use of gasoline is at least a start to making this country smarter and more efficient. Haven’t we had enough of the greedy and stupid running things? I know I have. It’s about actions. I compost my kitchen waste, I recycle everything else. These things add up. And while others may disagree, I actually think Nancy Pelosi is kind of hot.

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Jesus Fucking Christ

I’ve juss don’t give a fuck. You can..you can…juss keep talkin’ shit and I ain’t hearin’ ya. Mother..fuggers. No. No. No. No. Fuggoff. I got it. I got it. I got it. Godammit. OK OK OK! I’ve had enough of this shit! It was only a couple. Plus some shots. So shut the fuck. Up. I got this shit handled. What are you, my fuggin mother? More like my motherfucker, you fuggin…you fuggin…I dunno what. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Whatsis? Oh. I know. Yeah. Keys! Keys! I got my keys. You see? You see? S’cool. Everything is cool. I’m totally. Cool. *urp*

Land of the Fee, Home of the Slave

Americans celebrate their illegal war.

July 4, 1776. Members of the Continental Congress signed the Declaration of Independence, a document full of more bluster and whining than any preceding quasi-legal statement in the history of civilization.

Why did they sign it? Well, our grade school history books and TV news pundits all agree: it was the unfairness of “taxation without representation”. That’s what caused the unction. This sense of unfair taxation drove all the other schisms between the colonies and the Crown: the trade imbalances, the anger over Royal Army excesses, the sea piracy, etc etc.

For most of my life, I accepted “taxation without representation” as the bumper sticker of our just cause. But a few years ago, I started asking myself: why did Britain levy such burdensome taxes on us? Were they greedy? Or were they just being assholes?

His Majesty King George III

Well, as I dug deeper, I discovered something rather tawdry: the Crown had a damn good reason to tax us.

As a colony of Great Britain, our defenses were provided and paid for by the Crown. Britain was more than happy to go to any length to keep us secure from foreign invasion and Injuns. The colonists didn’t pay a dime for it. Kind of like how Japan is nowadays secured by the US and its taxpayers. For centuries, everything was hunky-dory. Britain took care of us, we sent her cotton and tobacco.

But in the early 18th century, the colonists started doing dumb shit. Mostly, we expanded into Injun lands and constantly fucked around with the French. All these expansionist squabbles inevitably landed at the feet of the redcoats. Britain sent more and more soldiers to clean up our messes. Each new division came with stern warnings from the Crown: stop fucking around with the Indians and the French; stay within your borders; don’t antagonize the natives!

What did we do? We expanded our colonial borders, we fucked with the French and we harassed the Injuns. This ridiculous escalation went on for decades. To make matters worse, Britain was already engaged in her regular round of land wars in France. The colonies were becoming a liability.

Just doing their job.

By the 1760’s, the costs of cleaning up America’s messes were becoming extreme. Tax rates for Londoners had never been higher. This was creating a political crisis in Parliament. The King had lost patience. If the colonists are going ignore reason and act like idiots, they will have to pay for the privilege. Taxes were soon levied on tea, stamps, paper and every other damn thing that the colonies needed from Britain. Just a penny here and a penny there to help pay for our endless unfunded expansionist proclivities.

Many colonists accepted these costs. But America is a nation founded on, and sustained by, whining about taxes. As tensions mounted, the colonists started dividing among Loyalists and Rebels. This often split families in two (Benjamin Franklin’s son William, governor of New Jersey, was a staunch loyalist who was imprisoned and eventually fled to England).

The Loyalists felt that America was vulnerable and powerless without Britain, at that time the greatest imperial power on Earth. Without Britain’s support, the colonies were just a hodge-podge of backward rubes. The Rebels felt that their tax whining and the resultant strong measures from the Crown were cause to secede. They would rather be backward rubes who weren’t paying a tea tax than backward rubes paying a tea tax.

Waaaa! I have to pay my own way and I don't like it!

It was touch and go. The rebels had no majority and no army (after all, they didn’t like paying for armies in the first place). But there is an air of romance to independence. Who wants to be told what to do? Who wants to owe their welfare to a foreign power? Well, the Loyalists did. In the 1770’s, the world was a scary place. European alliances came and went with bloody regularity. The Loyalists felt that Britain, their mother country, was the best bet in an uncertain world. An independence with lots of land and resources and no military security was a foolish independence.

And they were right. The Revolutionary War was won on a shoestring. Without last minute assistance from Poland and France, we would today be ordering two and chips and drinking Carlsberg at the pub. Or even worse: we may have lost the war yet dissuaded Britain from maintaining her sovereignty over the colonies and ended up French or – God forbid – Spanish.

But alas, Gates beat Burgoyne at Saratoga, the tide of the war changed and here we are, eating hot dogs on July 4 and whining about taxes. What could be more American?

Our proud heritage manifests itself publicly.

Certainly there’s pride in being independent. Despite our slave trade, our genocidal displacement of the Indians, our corporate excesses, our imperial overseas adventures and our embarrassing buffoonery, America also works damn hard to maintain a democratic republic and we’re far and away the biggest philanthropic force on Earth. Our independence beckons folks from all over the world. We end up with American Einsteins, American Pulitzers and American Ang Lees all over the place.

Just like our schizophrenic Loyalist/Rebel roots, America is a force of unspeakable evil and global good. Nonetheless, since learning more about the birth of the nation (hyuk!), I have concluded that we would have done better under British rule. As the centuries passed and society evolved, a deep US-UK alliance would have avoided the Civil War, cut short the two World Wars and made both nations more robust. It would have ended slavery earlier and limited our voracious “Manifest Destiny” (America’s unapologetic Lebensraum).

The British really need our rugged individualism. And we really need some British reserve. The British need our strength and our global reach. We need conservative British resource management. The British need our varied palate and we need to elevate our aesthetics to a British standard. Britain and America: two great western powers that go great together!

So this July 4, I’m raising a glass to the Crown. While everyone else is bellowing “My Country, ‘Tis of Thee”, I’ll be singing…

You go, Liz!

God save our gracious Queen
Long live our noble Queen
God save our Queen!
Send her victorious
Happy and glorious
Long to reign over us
God save the Queen!