Monthly Archive for April, 2009

Don’t Tase Me, Bilbo!

At the recent Coachella music festival, a guy dressed as a wizard decided it was best to strip naked and walk around stoned out of his gourd. The cops disagreed. Read the story and watch the video here.

You’ll notice that this guy’s dick is very VERY small. So small that it makes MY dick look big. Please just absorb how small this guy’s dick is, let it roll around in your head a bit, then move on with me to the bigger picture.

Watching this video, I’m torn between the two synopses that viewers will take away:

1) These cops were way too brutal.
2) That guy was being a douchebag and ignoring every single thing the cops said.

So, viewer response has polarized between the “fuck tha police state” crowd and the “cops are just doing their job” crowd. Intellectually, I’m about 90% “fuck tha police state” crowd on this one. These cops had ample opportunity to defuse this situation without having to taser the guy in the belly, the neck and the base of his spine. This wasn’t perp control; this was violent punishment for disobediance, plain and simple.

These cops do not deserve to be armed law enforcers. They belong on the JV football coaching staff. Fuck these po-lice.

Yet, as a person who attended live music events, I have many times secretly wished that some big, violent group of thugs would walk up to some pirouetting naked hippie moron and just taser the fuck out of him. Don’t get me wrong: I think people have a right to get really high, walk around naked and be stupid. I really do. But since I personally find that kind of behavior irritating, I often wish the irritation would go away.

It’s the curse of living in a free society. Nobody wants to put up with irritating, stupid people. But we must. We don’t have to embrace them and it’s OK to criticize them. It’s even OK to wish that a piano would land on their heads and kill them.

What we can’t do, however, is trust the state to “use its best judgment” in dropping those pianos.

Old People Suck

I'm stupid and worthless!

Old people really suck.

They didn’t always suck. For most of human history, old people were the keepers of wisdom, tribal leaders to be respected and obeyed. Their vast knowledge of life, love and the practical arts were indispensable. Right on up until the early 20th century, old people were to be trusted and cherished.

Then came the great technological leap forward. Old people held their own for a while, keeping up with radio technology and mechanical advancements. But along came TV – the Great Stupifier. It’s ironic that adults complain about how TV rots children’s minds, yet it’s the adults who were rendered idiotic by TV, not their children.

By the 1980’s the Elder Race had watched so much junk TV and ignored everything else in society that they have become utterly worthless. Young people cannot look up to them for insight on anything. Politics, romance, technology, history, science – anything. There is no point in asking an 80-year-old why it’s hot in summer or why Stalin killed Trotsky. They have no fucking idea.

I have nothing to contribute!

Today’s old people have failed to carry the torch of the old people from their generation. And all of society is paying the price. Technology (which they don’t understand even peripherally) keeps them alive well past their due date, resulting in skyrocketing medical costs for all of us.

On my daily drive to work, I see old people. They are out during rush hour, driving 15mph below the speed limit, heading to nowhere in particular. I cut through the mall in the morning to save time, and I see them out walking. After a lifetime of labor in their suburban office parks, they retire and walk around the blank, desolate macadam of the shopping mall. If it wasn’t so heartbreaking, it would be infuriating.

Old people tend to be extremely conservative because they are unwilling and incapable of ingesting new ideas. As far as they are concerned, America won WWII single-handedly, Reagan defeated the Soviets and Vietnam was lost because too many hippies smoked pot. Since they have nothing else to do, they vote regularly and often, always for the most idiotic candidates.

Go, Jesus, go!

Since old people know they are going to die soon, they also tend to be the most religious demographic. Coupling religiosity with stupidity, they have become the backbone of the TV preacher industry. And again, the rest of us have to suffer.

There is, however, some light at the end of the tunnel. Young and middle-aged folks have been consumed by the Information Age. Nowadays, it’s not OK to be too stupid to operate a microwave oven. In fact, it’s not OK to be too stupid to configure a router. I firmly believe that today’s young people will become reasonably sharp old people, much more so than the current crop of geriatric goombahs.

We are at an unfortunate time. Resource depletion, global recession and monumentally stupid, consumptive retirees are burdens that seem impossible to carry. But I have Hope. Yes, I do. If we can stay positive and soldier through the technological and economic hurdles that face us, we will eventually be rewarded by the final demise of the stupidest generation the world has ever known, ushering in a  new age of old people who can thoughtfully contrast modern life with the old days and be relied upon by future generations for guidance and wisdom.

But until then, it’s gomers walking the parking lot of the mall at 7:30am. *sigh*.

Saving the World, Pt. 2

You don’t deserve it, but I’m back again the solve all the world’s major problems. Why? Because it makes me look good.

In Part 2 of our series, we’re gonna solve the world’s looming energy crisis. As ever, we’ll begin by understanding the problem, then I’ll make some flippant yet trenchant observations about the best solution. Here we go:

FACT: Our oil future doesn’t look good. Don’t believe Rush Limbaugh, don’t believe Exxon, don’t listen to the Saudi royal family. Listen to oil geologists. Even the ones employed by the oil industry agree: we’re getting humped by Hubbert’s Peak.

Um, yeah. We're fucked.

Um, yeah. We're fucked.

It’s not that we’re “running out of oil”. It’s that we’re quickly running out of affordably extractable oil. What good is a $78 gallon of gas? Not much. It’s almost worthless, in fact.

The Space Age is over. The Oil Age is over. And nobody gives a shit about “Lost” anymore.

“So,” you say, “we’ll just switch to Ethanol! The Brazilians are doing it, right?”

What utter bosh. The Brazilians are deforesting the Amazon and dedicating vast swaths of arable land to sugar cane just so they can make a point. Their ethanol endeavor is unsustainable.

What we need is a comprehensive solution.

What about…

A little nukie never hurt nobody!

Some folks say America (and the world) needs to switch to nuclear fission to “get us over the hump” until a more permanent sustainable solution is found. This sounds enticing. After all, Chernobyl was the result of stupid Russians and Three Mile Island was demonstrative of the salutatory effect of good failsafe systems. So, nuclear is safe. Or is it?

Like ethanol, nuclear power is an energy-intensive undertaking, You gotta mine the crap out of the Earth to extract uranium, refine it in energy-hungry breeder reactors, then build enormous, complicated machines to heat water from a controlled chain reaction. Transporting uranium is a dangerous game, and to this day no one has figured out what to do with the High Level Waste.

That’s right: sixty years on and we still don’t know how to keep all that deadly HLW out of our environment and water table. France is trying to re-process its HLW with mixed results. Fact is, they are still studying solutions while the HLW continues to pile up. In the US, we have the same plan we’ve always had: toss it in a hole and hope it goes away.

About the only good thing nukes got going for them is their relatively pollution-free operation. Factor in uranium mining and uranium’s own Hubbert’s Peak, and nukie stops looking so good.

Some futurists (ahem>Kunstler<ahem) feel that even if we attain abundant electricity, we won’t be able to switch to electrically powered transportation. He’s rather gloomy. I disagree.

And I have the solution.

OK, the Japanese have the solution.

Orbiting solar-powered lasers!

Rather than waste hundreds of billions of dollars on nukes or off-shore oil rigs or greedy Wall Street retards, we should re-invigorate those lame geeks at NASA and give them a new mission: hundreds of orbiting solar collectors, as well as plans to install many more on the moon.

After factoring in solar-to-laser inefficiency, a 200 meter geo-stationary solar collector could power a gigawatt earth-bound generating station. That a gigawatt, people – half a Hoover Dam. And that’s with today’s technology. Making larger and more efficient collectors is an engineering challenge, not a scientific or economic wall.

Coupled with a continued reliance on hydro-electric and new investment in locally-managed wind farms, tidal generators and solar arrays, we’d have plenty of renewable, reliable electricity. And what do we do with this electricity (besides powering porn webservers and George Foreman grills)?

We re-shape the auto industry to make electric cars and trucks. The engineering challenge here is daunting – more so than the space lasers. Battery technology seems stymied. It will take a new approach or a new eureka moment to make it practical and affordable. But I think we can do it. Already, we have this:

Top speed: 125mph. Range: 220 miles. 0-60: under 4 seconds.

I give you Tesla Motors.

Is it the solution? Hell, no. It’s a baby step on the way, though. If we could keep that performance and get a 400 mile range with a recharge time under 10 minutes, we will no longer need automobiles as we know them. Electric motors actually deliver better torque than diesel engines, so our trucks and tractors will be better, too.

Of course, there is one final challenge: air travel. You can’t fly an electric plane. This problem will sort itself out. If we work now to segue into electric travel, there might be enough oil and ethanol to maintain a reduced fleet of commercial aircraft. In a century or two. when those sources become untenable, we’ll either have high-speed electric rail, or do the obvious: stop traveling so far all the time. What are you flying for? To bring the kids to see Grandma? Are you high? Why did you move to Michigan? That was stupid. No, fuck you. You can’t just fly anywhere you want whenever you want. Take the new electric train, or stay home. Dick.

There you go. The answer to the world’s energy (and pollution) problems. No need to thank me. Ah, hell. Thank me, you ungrateful bastards!