Monthly Archive for March, 2009


They say it happens when you hit middle age. But I’m lucky. I’ve been worried about my status in society my whole life.

It wan’t until my thirties that I discovered the obvious truth that the whole thing is a put-on. Just like the BMOC is a manufactured fa├žade, the world of adults is one of aging children. We humans have the longest childhood phase of any species. Social scientists agree that humans aren’t psycho-socially independent until at least puberty. In America, you’re not a legal adult until you’re 18. And in reality, we’re all just a bunch of children. All of us. Even George Plimpton and Ruth Bader-Ginsburg.

So why did I worry? Because social cues informed me that at my age I should be a middle manager or an expert cinematographer or an established merchant. I’m none of those things. I’m a low-level salaried employee. A cubicle rat.

I should have finished college. I should have started a business. I should have written a book.

All these things are true. I have wasted opportunities. It was fear. Fear of poverty and homelessness drove me to work and work and pay the rent and keep my head down. So I did.

Like I said, I’m lucky. Most 40-something middle managers are on their third marriage and the verge of a psychotic breakdown. I’ve already had 20 years of their neurosis. I’ve already come out the other side.

And that’s why I’m happy. I have interests and friends and music and the occasional trip overseas. If I died tomorrow, I’d look back wistfully at my full life as a child. Which brings me to my point:

There is no script. The script is a lie.

Free will is just that. Unpredictability is the source of joy. Want proof? Here’s an image that illustrates the point:

I rest my case.

So, what am I going to do about it? Nothing. And EVERYTHING.

Don’t You Need Somebody to Hate?

It's an African clothing shop. Relax.

Let’s face it: America is quickly running out of minorities to despise. We have a black president, black military leaders, black performers, and even black captains of industry. To be bigoted and hateful towards blacks is to hate America itself.

And the Mexicans? Gimme a break. They are well on their way to out-numbering whites in the southwest and their diaspora goes all the way to the Canadian border. They have fully integrated into every echelon of the labor market. Hispanics are here to stay. They talk funny, but MAN they eat good food. Gotta love ’em.

That tie ain't foolin' anybody, Habib!

OK. How about the damn a-rabs? Surely everyone can agree that those swarthy, shifty-eyed camel-jockeys are bent on killing every American baby they can get their mitts on, right? Well, it turns out that Arabs and Persians figure heavily in every major metropolitan city and have formed thriving communities from Maine to Iowa to Oregon. Even worse, they tend to be educated, fastidious and law-abiding folk, which makes it ever more difficult to heap mindless hatred upon them. Allah damn it! Who can we hate?

Oh, wait a minute! I got it!

OMG! Phags!

Homos! Everywhere you look, there’s godless queer perverts who convert good Christian boys into slavering cock-obsessed pansies. Women entering college are forced to get bob-cuts and grow hair everywhere else, then engage in long nights of sweaty cunnilingus.

Hooray! Queers are a solid choice for illogical, hypocritical prejudice. No marriage = endless accusations of “sexual promiscuity”. A beautiful self-perpetuating cycle of isolation and derision. We can hate them now and forever.

But wait…

It seems pretty clear that, at some point, judicial review will overturn most anti-gay legislation. I’ll bet my lime-green banana hammock that within 10 years gays will have achieved the right to marry as well as equal rights in housing and employment.

I know, I know. Crazy talk. But it’s true.

And once gays have achieved parity (and stopped dressing like weirdos), they will be hopelessly dissolved into American society. Just another neighbor, just another nuisance in the next cubicle. They may as well be black!

Then whom will we hate? We’re well past hating the Irish, the Italians, the Japanese and the Chinese. Who’s left? I’ve thought about it. And I’ve decided to get the ball rolling early so the next chapter in American bigotry can begin.

And so, America, I give you our next object of your thoughtless intolerance:

The Tongans!

That’s right! We should now focus all of our ignorant contempt towards the people of Tonga! It should be easy. There are about 120,000 of the brillo-haired bastards living on their prehistoric islands, with another 100,000 or so spread around Australia, New Zealand, the US and Canada. This means they will never be populous enough to have any meaningful impact on policy. Furthermore, outside of their tiny islands, they have no famous faces or voices for whom we can feel one iota of sympathy. We can hate them with impunity!

As you know, any good hate campaign has to begin with dehumanization and ridicule. Let’s look at some Tongan facts, then custom-tailor our snotty condescension to misrepresent these facts. Ready?

1) The Kingdom of Tonga is a group of 171 small islands in the south Pacific.

2) They are a relatively poor nation. They have few exports, anemic tourism and a moribund economy.

4) They have a classic Pacific Islander complexion with dark, curly hair and dark eyes.

5) Due to their starchy diet, they tend towards obesity.


Oh, man. I saw this goddamn Tongan on the fucking elevator. Jesus Christ! I thought we’d break the weight limit! I guess if the elevator did fall, I could always land on his big fat stomach! HA!

You know, these Tongans just come in here and take some shitty job and lay around eating fried plantains. The whole damn neighborhood reeks of it!

My God, that Tongan lady is a bitch! She comes waddling into the store and complains because she waited a lousy five minutes for a key to the dressing room. Who does she think she is? Why don’t these people go back to the rat-infested island crap-hole they came from? Sheez!

I’m not a bigot or anything, but those Tongan guys scare me. They come on the bus in a big group and stare at everybody. I mean, it’s intimidating!

I say we take these Tongo’s and show ’em just what America is all about! I mean, if they can’t take a little heat, they probably don’t have the guts to be real Americans! C’mon. Let’s go piss into their convertible.

There you go, America. Handed to you on a silver platter: the next course on the menu of narrow-mindedness: The Tongans!




When stupidity collides with weaponry.

I’m not harshing on religion this Sunday. I’d like to. But I’m not. Instead, I just want to present the endless war between Christianity and Islam in a way that we can all understand: by being flippant and uploading some funny pictures. Zionists and Hindu extremists will be left out of this discussion because they’re just not as numerous, vocal or destructive.

NOTE: Before any of you religious folks start flipping out, please understand that this article focuses on religious fundamentalists: right-wing Christian lunatics and cut-throat Muslim absolutists. I’m very aware that most Christians are philanthropic, open-minded, reasonable people and most Muslims are non-violent, well-behaved citizens. Unfortunately, neither mainstream Christians nor rank-and-file Muslims work very hard at marginalizing and denouncing the extremists in their ranks. That job is left to us atheists.

Let’s start by looking at the differences between Christian Fundamentalists and Muslim Fundamentalists:

The names of their Gods

The names of their Holy Books.

Their modus operandi.

OK. Now let’s move on to the similarities:

Fanatical devotion to outdated cultural mores.

Rejection of Evolutionary Theory in favor of Creationist silliness.

Scumbag religious leaders using money and media to advocate war and bigotry.

Using the cosmic carrot/stick to rationalize murder and instill fear.

Infiltrating government in order to formalize fundamentalist agenda.

Belligerent black/white thinking that defies logic and reason.

Referencing ancient historic enmity to rally hatred and pride.

Manufacturing internecine hatred within the greater religious sphere.

Enforcing cultural and political diminution of women's rights.

Stated goal to create global obedience to their narrow belief system.

Fomenting violence and hatred toward religious moderates and critics.

And finally…

Just being a bunch of fucking idiots.

It should now be quite clear that Christian fundamentalists and Muslim extremists are two sides of the same coin. To preserve order and help these twins realize their common ground, I propose we (and by “we” I mean anyone with a brain who rejects absolutist ideology) should allow them to work together in close company so they can create a synergy of peace and harmony. I have the following solution:

The Azores

These are the Azores in the north Atlantic, a Portuguese archipelago with plenty of arable land and room to graze livestock. The current 250,000 inhabitants can be offered the chance to escape to Portugal or Brazil in advance of the resettlement of the world’s fundamentalist assholes. Portugal and the Azoreans will receive an endowment of $8 billion (or 1/100th of our currently planned stimulus package) to oversee the process.

The rolling hills of Faial Island in the Azores. Home sweet fundie home!

With the lunatic fringe left to their own devices in the middle of the Atlantic, we can get back to the serious work of solving the coming energy crunch, easing international tensions and creating sane, egalitarian technological societies.

In the mean time, I’m sure the newly-minted Fundie Islands will serve their masters well. I am quite sure there will be peace and harmony among these super-religious peoples.

(We can check on it every few months to see if anyone is left alive…)