Monthly Archive for February, 2009

Why Marketing Experts Are Useless

Henk Lubberding's latest folk opus.

Henk Lubberding's latest folk-rock opus.

Behold the latest CD from Henk Lubberding. Henk’s soulful, environmentally-conscious music has touched thousands of people, and now his latest album is ready for your pine-floored livingroom. Henk covers everything from traditional bluegrass at a folksy tempo to melancholic guitar songs with a message. Lovers of Gordon Lightfoot or Tom Paxton will feel right at home as Henk invites y’all to a walk in the wilderness.

Ah, I’m just pullin’ yer leg.

Henk Lubberding doesn’t exist, and if he did exist his album would suck ass. This album cover is an exercise in random generation. Here’s what you do:

Get a band name by grabbing the subject title of a random link on Wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random

Don’t be shy! Your random link is PERFECT. You just don’t know it yet.

Then, get an album title by paraphrasing from this random quote webpage:
http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3

Now you need to do some thinking! Find a section, clause or entire quote that best fits the genre that’s forming in your head.

And now, art! Off to Flickr with you!
http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days

There you go.  Ten minutes in Photoshop and you now have something that would have cost you $5,000 if you had signed with Sony.  There is nothing that some twenty-something graphic “artist” twat in a high-rise can do that you can’t do yourself. Furthermore, you can record and mix your own music as well.

What you DO need, however, is a talented person to master your tracks. Giving $500 to someone with a good ear and nice equipment is a smart investment. Dupe you mastered tracks onto CD’s. Then, fire up your MySpace, give away MP3’s for free, sell your CD at shows and perform perform PERFORM!

If you are any good, you will make a living making music. More importantly, you’ll be doing it on your own terms without some bean-counting suit telling you to tone down the cowbell. Fuck those guys. Fuck the labels.

The future is here, people. Dive in.

Don’t believe me? Then suck on THIS:

Ramelton's sophomore effort "Drama is Life".

The second album from Bay Area Dark-Metal quintet Ramelton is the newly-minted Drama is Life. Smashing their way through the rubble of contemporary culture, Ramelton have finally come of age. This album combines the furor of their maiden effort “Wait for Them to Self-Destruct” with a new sensibility that infuses analog synthesizer sounds with a trembling wall of heavy guitars. Vocalist Ray Olins rips open the assault with the opening track “Insania” and refuses to give way until the somber, bass-heavy track “Defensive”. This album is a must-buy for fans and should be on the list of anyone interested in modern, heavy music.

Arcadia's "The Chance of Living"

Fresh from a North American tour, Liverpool trip-hop duo Arcadia have released their latest EP, The Chance of Living. Mixing straight-up beats with a galaxy of carefully-tweaked aerial envelopes, Arcadia weaves their usual web of 60’s retro and Mersey electronic chill. Guesting on this 5-cut diamond are vocalists Kate McAllister and French siren Dominique Cotillard. The standout track is clearly Never Fail, with Cotillard’s angelic voice rising and falling on the gentle sea of Arcadia’s smooth, dreamy beats. That song alone is worth the price of admission.

Well, there you go. I just manufactured three worthy album names and cover art (with inside cover review) in about 30 minutes at a total cost of $0.00.

Obviously, there is more to it. But this exercise shows that you don’t need to entrust the look and feel of your band to some dork who spent 12 months studying graphic art in community college. Granted, you can’t just lift cover art from Flickr. It’s bad form. Instead, you can either snap your own photo, create your own scribblings or run off to sxc.hu and ask nicely to nick someone else’s hard work.

With that off your plate, you can concentrate on making great music. And that’s important, because your band really sucks.

Fudgie Speaks!

Finally! A word in edgewise!

Oh, man. I’m so glad that idiot left the house long enough for me to vent on his stupid webpage. Yes, STUPID. As in “leaving the login password cached in the browser” stupid. But that’s typical. Don’t get me wrong – Ted’s not a bad guy. He just isn’t very bright. And it drives me crazy!

Take last night, for instance. He comes home from work like usual. And like usual, I’m kinda wound-up. I’ve been alone all goddamn day. I want some action! But does he break out the remote-control mouse or the bird wand toy thingie? No. He just got Beowulf on DVD and wanted to see how it looked on the new HDTV. Asshole.

So he bakes up some stupid hippie pizza from the co-op (fat and stupid is no way to live your life, son!) and vegges out in front of the TV. What the fuck? So I just lay down in front of the fire and mind my own business. Bo-ring!

This one's for you, asshole!

Hey, I’m not ungrateful. There’s no way I want to go back to the fucking Humane Society. The place is a fucking prison, I swear to Christ. And the noise! Those fucking dogs drive me nuts! So goddamn stupid. And LOUD. I hate ’em.

So yeah, he saved me from that shit-hole. And life here is pretty good. The food’s alright, and he actually cleans my box every day. (Good thing he does – I am more than willing to piss all over his backup drive if the litter box fails to meet my standards of cleanliness). When Mr. Important isn’t at work, he’ll keep me entertained with toys, provided there isn’t an “epic” thread on fark.com or some gay-ass MP3 from whatever Euro-trash chill-out crap he’s listening to nowadays .

Yeah, he’s a dork. But we do go for walks sometimes. I LOVE the outside. Birds, man. I thought Ted was stupid, but birds? They’re fucking DUMB. They all but fly right into my claws. The only ones that freak me out are the owls and the eagles. I mean – Ted pays his taxes and shit. Can’t the city do something about these flesh-eating terrorists in the sky? They’ll give some asshole a variance to build some cookie-cutter faggot-ass development in precious forest land, but they can’t keep marauding monsters from swallowing local pets? Pffft. Politicians are fucking useless.

In all, life ain’t bad. I just wish Ted would wise up and start being a little more attentive. After all, I’m totally awesome. Just look at me! Know any cuter cats? No. I’m the shit, yo. It’s high time I started earning a little more respect around here.

Oh, shit. Here he comes. I can hear him struggling to get groceries out of the car. What a dumb fat-ass! LOL! Hopefully, he won’t get a cardiac on the way in. HAH! That’s right, asshole. Drag your sorry ass back home from another day in the rat race. Fuckin’ LOSER!

Let’s see if Mr. Dumbfuck remembered to pick up some litter from the Petstop. Any guesses?

Alright, I’m out. See you on the flip side, yo.

Things About Me

Self-assessment is a daring enterprise.

Self-assessment is a daring enterprise.

I got one of those annoying tags making the rounds on Facebook. Since I have been less than forthcoming about who I really am on this site, I figured this was an opportunity to open up to my readership. Hopefully you will learn more about me and make a more informed decision about how awful I am.

If you want, you can email me your responses to these questions. Go ahead. Let it all out.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
St. Jude Thaddeus. He was an apostle of Jeebus and has the shortest (1 page) book in the bible. He’s just before Revelations. Look him up!

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
When me Mum died.

3. FAVOURITE WEEKEND PLANS?
Going to Binky’s to eat pizza, watch a movie and talk smack.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT?
Sopressata.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Fuck no. I hate the little bastards.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Yes. I would also offer me handjobs all the time.

7. HOBBIES?
Writing, arguing, music, guitar, film, British TV, recreational farting.

8. DO YOU HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Why? Do you need them?

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
I don’t have the “gotta get close to death to feel I’m alive” gene, so no.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL
As a child, it was Quisp. As an adult, it’s basic granola.

11. PETS?
My pal Fudgie the pussycat.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM
I like my ice cream like I like my women: cold, vanilla, and dripping down my chin.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
How amazingly stupid and unworthy of my affections they are.

15. RED OR PINK?
#660000.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF
The weird fatty deposit on my left bicep.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Charles Laughton.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
Bitches better.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Domokun jammy bottoms and slippers.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Zero7.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
If I was a crayon, I’d be unable to express myself.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
The charred corpses of my vanquished foes.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Felix.

25. FAVOURITE TRAVEL DESTINATION?
Vienna. Long live the empire!

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
I’ll watch some Seahawks games, but my tiny interest is dissolving rapidly.

27. HAIR COLOR?
Light brown. What are you, a cop?

28. EYE COLOR?
Now I know you’re a cop.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
I’m 20/20, baby.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Veal parmigiana.

31. BIGGEST FEAR?
The surviving children of my vanquished foes.

32. OCEAN OR FRESH WATER?
Fresh. Especially Lake Baikal, the biggest lake in the world.

33. PUB OR NIGHT CLUB?
Pub. When I want retarded music blasted into my face, I’ll let you know. Till then, a quiet pub will do.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter. I enjoy the quiet and I also enjoy the knowledge that happy summertime people are fucked for months. Heh!

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Disgusting! Keep your filthy paws to yourself, you fucking perv.

37. WHAT CAUSE WOULD YOU FIGHT FOR?
Universal sterilization of all humans.

38. LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS?
Doesn’t matter. They’re all too hopelessly far away.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
“Among the Thugs” by Bill Buford.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Little blue squares or something.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Nothing. I did watch an episode of MI-5 on Netflix, tho.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
The crackling bones of my vanquished foes as their bodies burn on the field of Honor.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles. At least they could sing.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
(Quick GoogleEarth) Zagreb, Croatia.

45. HOW WOULD YOU CHANGE THE WORLD?
Give it back to the creatures who deserve it.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
What are you, a cop? New Brunswick, NJ.

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
All of them, of course. Or do you expect me to crush some of my friends by declaring I don’t care what they think? Man, you’re an asshole. And a cop, too.

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Are you nuts? Read this crap. Do you think any woman would have me?

Maybe I'm being too hasty...I was just kidding about te "vanquished foes" thing, ladies! Really!

I was just kidding about the "vanquished foes" thing, ladies! Really!