Monthly Archive for January, 2009

Now We Shall!

I am utterly gratified that my meager contributions helped this man become president. Once I was sure that Wes Clark was far from the running, I threw in with Barack Obama. I didn’t do it because he’s a great speaker (he is). I didn’t do it because he mirrors all my policy ideas (he doesn’t).  I didn’t do it because he’s a messianic figure (he’s not). I did it because he is smart, flexible and impressive.

I don’t give a crap about his skin color. When I think about Obama, I don’t think “black guy”. To me, this election has nothing to do with the the first black president. Blacks and multiculturalists may be all thrilled about it; that’s fine. Let them enjoy it. But when I think about Obama, I think Harvard Law Review, community service and intellectual rigor. I see a whip-smart, street-smart, capable guy. I see a man who can rally solutions sourced from thoughtful consideration. I see an American man who can command respect and admiration from world leaders and the people they represent.

I see the anti-Bush.

Black? OK. Whatever. That’s fine. He could be a goddamn Jewish Inuit for all I care. I am just proud that we finally have a president who is smarter than me. It’s been a long, long time since I could say that.

After 8 years of Chimpy McFlightsuit and the Sith Lord, Obama may well seem like a savior. But he’s just a man. He will make mistakes. Some of them may be costly. But at least we can believe that his heart was in the right place and he weighed every option before committing.

There are the two things I ask of my president:

1) Be smarter than me.
2) Follow evidence, not your ideology or your “gut”.

Obama passes these tests.

I’d write more, and maybe I will. But for now, let’s just leave it with this:
Our long national nightmare is over.

Saving the World, Pt. 1

Welcome to the first in a series that solves the world’s major problems.

These solutions are provided by me (in my infinite wisdom) in order to make the world a better place. When the world is a better place, my environment is improved and my life becomes better, so please understand that my motivations may appear selfless, but they are, in fact, quite narcissistic.

Today’s solution is lasting peace between Israel and the Palestinians.  I will not be addressing the current bit of unpleasantness in Gaza because it doesn’t matter. That’s right: it doesn’t matter. All those people protesting the Israeli actions in Gaza are wasting their breath. They are complaining about a symptom. They are like old women bitching about a hangnail when their bodies are wracked with cancer.

After this action in Gaza, time will go by. Israelis will do something selfish and dumb, the Palestinians will do something violent and dumb, and the process will continue ad nauseum.

Another lousy day in Gaza.

Furthermore, there is no point in going over the historical idiocies that resulted in this state of affairs. Why cry about the Four Holy Cities, the Balfour Declaration, the ’67 War, Yassir Arafat’s terrorism, Israeli settlers, the evil of Hamas, etc etc? None of that shit really matters. If that shit mattered, then there would be peace in that region today. The problem would have been – one way or the other – solved by force or by compromise. The time has come to forget the past, deal with today and solve the problem comprehensively so tomorrow will be a better day.

I have the solution.

I call it the “Injun Joe” gambit. In a nutshell, it would place all of Israel, the West Bank, the Golan Heights and the Gaza Strip into one Israeli nation. The Palestinian territories would become “reservations”. Though living under the Israeli flag, they would have some autonomy from federal law. They would, however, remain compliant to provincial law. Re-districting will place regions of current Palestinian territories within  smaller local provinces contiguous with Israel. All walls will come down. All peoples in this area will become Israeli citizens and carry Israeli passports with all the rights and privileges of being an Israeli citizen.

“Tut tut,” you say, “the Palestinians will NEVER submit to being Israeli citizens!”.
“Tut tut,” you say, “the Israelis will NEVER allow Palestinians to roam free among them!”.

Maybe not today or next week. But once the wheels of re-districting start turning, this inexorable process will win out. In America, there were hundreds of thousands of Injuns who swore to fight and kill any and all white men who invaded their land or attempted to raise their filthy American flag on tribal land. There were white men in power who wanted the savages wiped off the face of the continent. There were a few centuries of ugliness, with atrocities committed by both sides.

The two races never really dissolved into each other, but the rancor and hate subsided. They live apart, mostly, but the reservation system became effectual.  Native Americans are full citizens of the United States. They can vote and drive SUV’s and cheat on taxes and get thrown out of bars. Yes, there is still some resentment and still some racism. We are human. There will ALWAYS be some resentment and racism. The important thing is to realize that blood enemies became united under one flag, with a certain degree of autonomy bestowed upon the oppressed by the oppressor.

Indigineous, meet Emo.

Indigenous meets Emo.

Indian reservations are no longer hotbeds of armed insurrection. Instead, the Native American elders wised up and built casinos, cigarette discount stores, fireworks stalls and smoked-salmon-in-a-box. The white man comes onto Injun land not with guns, but with dollars. Indian populations have increased greatly in the last 80 years, but they do not involve themselves in national politics too much. It’s beneath them. Conversely, Americans don’t involve themselves in tribal politics too much. Sometimes Indians move into cities and sometimes whites move onto tribal land. For the most part, everybody is happy. Peace reigns.

Some say that Palestinians cannot be integrated into Israel because they very nearly outnumber Jewish Israelis and would take over the Knesset and turn Israel into a Muslim theocracy. Bosh, I say! Bosh! The Palestinians aren’t stupid.

OK, a bunch of them are stupid.

They will see the big picture. Once they realize that they are now considered Israelis by every diplomatic nation on Earth, they will begin shouldering the burden of being an Israeli. Though Muslim, the heavy yoke of the Jewish work ethic and its firing squads of Jewish grandmothers and JIPs (Jewish Israeli Princesses) will give the Palestinians new perspective. They will see how the Israeli people have suffered, and a meaningful cultural cross-pollination can begin.

Uptight, ultra-right Zionist douchebags will learn to chill out and smoke some Lebanese blond at the local “café”. Quran-slapping, suicidal nutcases will be sidelined by the Palestinian masses who want to get their hands on some scant Israeli land. They will all eventually come to terms with the almighty sheqel.

Arabs will see that behaving like a wild-eyed mullah has no future. They will do as our Indian brothers have done: they will exploit the wealth of whitey in order to make some moolah. Jews will see that having a working class labor force that isn’t locked behind barbwire is far more profitable than armed occupation.

As generations are born and die, integration will continue. It may be rocky, but it will continue.

This is the future. This is how peace will reign. Here is how it will look:

Israel after Unification

Israel after Unification

As you can see, the Golan Heights will have the majority of strip clubs. This is because Golan shares a border with Lebanon, Syria and Jordan (and the Zionist homeland). These cultures produce more potential clientele than the entire Rust Belt of the United States. Don’t smirk, ladies: we’re talkin’ 700 bucks a day, easy. Put on that micro mini and hie thee to the Golan!

The West Bank, being a bank, will serve as a no-questions-asked tax haven for international depositors who require a great deal of discretion and security. Are you gonna bust into Ramallah to steal bearer bonds from the Yakuza? I didn’t think so.

Gaza, having a long filthy shore, will be cleaned up. Disney and Trump will build hotel casinos overlooking ersatz Phoenician trade ships plying the Mediterranean shore. An international market of Dutch diamond merchants, San Jose software developers and Russian “importers” will keep the tables hot year round.

Israel can finally become what it was meant to be: a sunny place full of exotic faces where a handjob is $5 and the valet won’t steal roaches from your BMW’s ashtray. The Knesset will moan, fights will break out in bars, lovers will meet discreetly, and two cultures will become one. Palestinians will have a slow climb to become peers of their Jewish neighbors, but the relationship will become symbiotic rather than parasitic.

The new Star and Stripes. Forever?

The new Star and Stripes. Forever?

There you go. Problem solved.

Happy New Year!

To all my friends and family, I wish you all a happy and healthy 2009!

Cheers! Prost! Kampai! Na Strovya! Salud! L’chaim! And of course ‘Genatzt!’ to all our Armenian friends.

I’d like to say that I’m filled with hope. I’d like to dance a jig to the possibility of tomorrow. I’d like say I’m looking bravely forward as the current cast of evil fucks are booted from the White House and a crew of capable people move in. But I can’t.

2009 will be a cleaning year. That’s right. No whining! Get out your scrub brushes and your vacuum cleaners. The NeoCons have left our country in a shambles and we have to clean it up. It’s going to mean higher taxes, fewer public services and stagnant salaries. We will have to move the sofa and pick up all those stale crumbs of failure. The pool will be drained and sanitized. New paper will be placed in all the cupboards.

2009 won't be easy.

2009 won't be easy...

We won’t have the luxury of laying about eating bon-bon’s and reading Oprah’s Crappy Book of the Month selection. We need to pay down debt, renew our friendships, rebuild our infrastructure and wipe that schmutz off the windows.

The Obama asked us to work together and make some sacrifices. I voted for him, so I guess I gotta.

This is what I’m going to do:
1) Pay off my car early. No more debt!
2) Find some secondary income – do something!
3) Volunteer. I haven’t dedicated myself to a non-profit in years.

So, what will you do? Let me know. Even if it’s vague, insignificant or selfish. I’d love to hear it.

2009 will be like cleaning the garage. The prospect sounds awful, the work itself is dreary, but the result lifts you up and makes the whole process seem rewarding.

Citizen Ted make-a me vurry a-happy!

Citizen Ted make-a me vurry a-happy!