Archive for the 'Political Whingings' Category

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Of Our Elaborate Plans, The End

Our very near future.

It’s over. The End. Everything you’ve read about, all those pundits and futurists who told you that global economic collapse is inevitable – they were all correct. We’re fucked.

Let’s just take it for granted that in a few short years the global recession will devolve into a severe global economic depression. Let’s also assume that Peak Oil will begin its inevitable decline, causing speculators to price oil at $1000/bbl. Let’s furthermore admit that global warming will indeed melt the ice and plunge low-lying areas into watery hazards.

Now what?

Hey, everybody! Let's get together and work this out as a team!

You’re fucked, that’s what.

Even the Great Depression in the 1930’s was mitigated by the boon of cheap oil. Without all that abundant cheap oil, our economic disaster will be truly…disastrous. We’re talking Lord of the Flies here. As bad as things can possibly get.

Now, you’d think we Americans would be ready for this. After all, we’re the bootstrappy, can-do culture, right? WRONG. We have never known anything like this. Ever. Even at the height of our Civil War most civilians ate food, traded merchandise and played parlor games. We’ve never known true Collapse.

But some people do know true Collapse. Germany, Japan, Austria, Russia, Vietnam, Belgium, Yugoslavia, Ukraine and Belarus know true Collapse. There is no greater Collapse than that of all-out war, particularly when it is waged upon the civilian infrastructure. Want to know how to survive the worst of the worst? Ask an 85-year-old Ukrainian. They’ll tell you how they survived Stalin’s purges and forced famines, followed quickly by Germany’s murderous invasion. And after all that, the Red Army swept through like locusts, devouring everything in sight on their angry rush to Berlin.

Ukraine in 1943 made America in 1933 look like heaven. We Americans have no idea what real Collapse is like.

Kiev, 1942. Note the lack of business activity and limited food resources.

So, what to do?

To start, if you live in a big city, good-bye. We’re not even going to address your concerns because you are so fucked, your fuckedness is beneath our contempt.

Next up: the suburbs. If you live in the suburbs, you are just as fucked as the city folk. Your pathetic stick-and-vinyl neighborhood and its postage stamp lawns are utterly worthless and rely solely on automobiles for everything. You can’t grow food and your infrastructure is so energy-intensive it isn’t even funny. You’re fucked.

Finally: rural folk. These folks have a chance. But only if they can behave and cooperate. When the corporate farms cannot be run (tractors get about 13 mpg and if gas is $50/gal…), it will be up to those with the know-how and the resources to till, fertilize, seed, grow and reap. These intrepid souls will become the most powerful and jealously regarded people in America.

Yo, I take what I need, muthafucka!

Millions of city folk and suburbanites will want all this rural stuff. They will beg and plead and kill. But if you think being a gun owner will help you get your way after the collapse, you are dead wrong.

Sure, you might come upon a small farm and decide to kill the people there and take what you want. But your crime won’t go unnoticed. And you’re going to have to sleep some time. And the moment those with the means find you unawares, you WILL be torn apart limb from limb and left to hang from a phone pole. Unlike what is portrayed in the movies, being a murderous gang in the post-Collapse world is an incredibly short career move. And you’ll really hate the retirement plan.

No, guns will only be of service to those working the land. They will need them for defensive security, not offensive chicanery.

And since guns aren’t going to help you, all you’ll be able to offer the world is your sweat and your loyalty. That’s it. If you happen to be an asshole, now would be a good time to start training yourself to be civil, articulate and respectful. Even then, the vast majority of Americans won’t serve any purpose. A quiet suicide is probably for the best.

Wait…that’s so sad. Why am I so fucked?

This is why.

In America, we have traded in a sustainable landscape for the glory of automobile-crazy suburbia. Just look at it! If you can look at this photo, then walk around and carefully size up your own suburban neighborhood, then sit back down and not realize how fucked you are, I cannot help you.

Suburbia offers nothing that is fundamentally useful. OK, the roofing material and the tools found in garages are fundamentally useful. But that’s it. The rest of it – all of it – should be abandoned. When Collapse comes, the cities will be desperate but the suburbs will be pathetic. If we are lucky, Collapse will occur with a concomitant nuclear nightmare or pandemic panic. Anything to cull the herd and avoid several months of abject human misery…

Are we alone?

This is Moldova, the poorest country in Europe.

Pretty much, yeah.

In most of the rest of the world, especially in China and eastern Europe, there is still a sizable infrastructure of effective, sustainable subsistence farming. In America, we threw this all away in the 1950’s. It’s gone. Completely. We now have giant corporate farmlands that must somehow be broken up and maintained as smaller cooperatives who live far from the fields. That’s gonna be doable, but tough.

Check out this very typical photo of a village in Moldova. Each of those village houses has a backyard farm abut the size of a football field. And each farm abuts the neighbor across the way. There’s even a couple of houses who cooperatively grew some fruit trees. Yummy!

Notice also the wide dirt roads that form a simple grid. Just like an integrated circuit, it’s more efficient to send ‘buses’ in a grid around processing areas. Also: notice how most house fronts meet in the street and go right up to the curb. This is because seeing your neighbors builds trust. In the backyard farms, each family sees their backyard neighbors up close and personal every day. See any fences in that photo?

Visual closeness builds extremely tight bonds in hunter/gatherer societies (where crime is almost nonexistent) and visual closeness builds tight bonds in village neighborhoods, too. How about American suburbs where houses are set back far from the street behind a big stupid lawn? No visual closeness. “Fuck the neighbors! Who cares about them?”

Tell me that’s a healthy way for people to live and for communities to thrive.

Look at Moldovan civil design, America, and weep. Villagers work cooperatively and decide what crops to rotate in and out. As neighbors and kinsmen, they share burdens and make agreements. They work together.

Glamorous? No. But they eat here.

They feed themselves and sell what they can for other luxuries. Sometimes winters are lean. Sometimes folks argue. Sometimes people are bored and want something bigger out of life, like maybe a trip to Vegas. But in the end, they will endure as long as no army murders them.

The poorest country in Europe is far more ready to survive Collapse than the richest nation on Earth.

How does that make you feel? Mad? Stupid? It should.

Dirty hippies to the rescue!

In America, co-op farms are a start. They really won’t feed your neighborhood, though. They are far too small. But you will learn the necessary skills you need to live like a Moldovan villager. Eventually, you may find a piece of property that looks a lot like a Moldovan village lot. BUY IT.

That investment is worth way more than the “gold futures” being hawked by doomsayers and it’s worth more than an armory full of guns. As an American village farmer, you will be the most sought-after person after the Collapse. You’ll be such a big celebrity that George Clooney and Cameron Diaz will be fighting to see who gets the chance to suck you off. Seriously.


As you sadly sort through all the killjoy Chicken Little news stories about dwindling Saudi oil reserves, new waves of bank failures and drowning polar bears, take a deep breath and say to yourself:

What would a Moldovan villager do?

That’s the ticket!




Nihilists for the GOP

Welcome to PAC to end all PACs!

Nihilists for the GOP (NGOP) is working hard to support the extreme right wing of American politics. We will not stand for half-measures; we are completely dedicated to the swift, immediate institution of every policy championed by the most extreme elements of the right-wing lunatic fringe.


Now, some of you may say, “Are you out of your fucking mind? These people are crazy and their politics are wacked!”

Well, maybe we are crazy. Crazy like foxes!

Let’s face some hard political reality here: the right wing in the United States has sent us teetering on the brink of disaster time and time again. Too often, we are pulled back from the brink by rational thinkers.

These efforts to rein in the crazy train do little more than cause America’s downward spiral to slow down a little bit. I don’t know about you, but if I’m going to drown, I’d rather it be done quickly than drag on forever.

We have another solution: total immersion.

That’s why we’ve formed the NGOP.

Our primary goal is to hasten the catastrophic collapse of the United States. By giving the reins of power to the most incompetent and deluded candidates, we foresee a speedy failure of the economy, an orgy of war and destruction and the utter demolition of public life.

Out of this abyss will arise a New America. An America humbled and determined to forge a new path.

I'm Rick Santorum and I love the NGOP!

We cite historical precedents:

– Germany. After WWI, she hemmed and hawed under a Weimar government while communists and fascists jockeyed for power. It wasn’t until the rise of the Nazis and the bloody aftermath that she was quickly brought low. What emerged was the most powerful and peaceful democratic government in European history.

– Japan. After thousands of years of tumult, a corporate/military bully-state emerged. Like Germany, she quickly devolved into a monster and was soon shattered in a hail of nuclear fire. Within a decade, she emerged as the most powerful and peaceful democratic nation in Asia.

– The USSR. After 70 years of brutal Soviet control, the corruption and lies reached a crescendo. Tiny chinks in the Party armor became gushing torrents of public unrest as ultra-conservative Party members staged an idiotic coup. While comparatively bloodless, the collapse of the Soviet Union shows how a few bad men in the right places can lead a nation to utter failure and subsequent rebirth.

The poet Peter Sinfield wrote, “To mount up high you first must sink down low.”

The NGOP is determined to see America brought low so we may one day mount up high.

But to do this, we need your help.

Here’s what you can do:

– Support only the dumbest, most deluded right-wing fringe candidates.
– Volunteer for their campaigns and/or donate generously to them.
– Join Free Republic and Stormfront. Post often. And loudly.
– Convince your friends and neighbors to support the most extreme right wing candidates and policies.
– Belittle and discourage any rational policies or candidates.
– Wave the flag. Mindless nationalism is key to hastening the utter collapse of society.
Give generously to the NGOP!

We hope you can join us.

Together, we can make it happen.

No one can guarantee success. But we can guarantee failure. And right now, we need failure and we need it fast.

It may seem counter-intuitive, but the NGOP seeks support from all shades of the political spectrum. We want left-wing college professors, concerned stay-at-home Moms and no-nonsense blue collar Joes to stand as one. We want them to work together and orchestrate the final destruction of the United States. We need them to vote for Tea Party/Heritage/PNAC Republicans. We need them to donate to the NGOP.

Onward, Christian Soldiers! Once more, into the breach!

Without ashes, there can be no Phoenix!

All donations for the NGOP can be made c/o this website. Thank you.





I Slam, You Slam, We All Slam for Islam!

Muslims walkin' the walk in Mecca.

Today is September 11th. The nation is awash in remembrances of that awful day, so I won’t add to the million-fold choir. Instead, I’d like to talk about the undercurrent of today’s mourning: Islam and America’s relationship to it.

Since Americans are woefully ignorant of Islam, let me set the stage by whipping together a quick history lesson on the subject.

Around 610AD, a guy named Muhammad was hanging out in a cave in what we now call Saudi Arabia. He was a religious fellow who was into meditation and religious thought. He was well aware of Judaic thoughts and teachings as well as that upstart Christian ideology. He liked all this stuff, and he wanted to figure it all out. There had to be a higher finality to all this stuff.

One day, he was chillin’ in his cave when the angel Gabriel appeared and told him to stop moping in that stupid cave and go forth to proclaim the glory of God. This freaked him out, as you can well imagine. But after the initial shock, he put his nose to the grindstone and began writing the early Qur’anic verses.

I like my head, so here's a representation of "Muhammad".

All that time spent cogitating in that cave really paid off. Muhammad wrote all kinds of things about history, ethics, Abrahamic law, best practices for eating and living, interesting parables, rules for family life and all the other things that make religion such a pain in the ass to follow. Most of all, he wanted everyone to know that God (Allah) was One. No trinities, no spirits in the rocks, no angry musclemen throwing lightning bolts from the clouds.

Allah, he figured, is the same True God (Yahweh) that the Jews worship, and is also the Being Incarnate of Christianity’s Holy Trinity. He is The One (not Neo), and it was pretty damn important to Muhammad that everyone knew this.

The prophet business is tough, but Muhammad was tougher. Just like Moses and Jesus before him, he built a core audience of fans then started spreading the Word far and wide. And like Moses and Jesus, this didn’t sit well with the entrenched authorities.

Sometimes you have to coax people into submitting to God.

His new religion was called Islam, which translates roughly to “submission”, a way of life that involves submission to God in all of one’s actions and duties. It’s a concept not far removed from the other religions of the day, but Muhammad was uncompromising in his emphasis on submitting oneself to God’s will. And not just on Sundays.

Eventually, Muhammad and Islam clashed with the powers that be. Rather than bore you (and me) with the details, suffice it to say that battles were won and lost throughout the Middle East until eventually the forces of Islam conquered all.

In his dotage, Muhammad had not only established a new religion as commanded by the angel Gabriel, he also unified the Arabian tribes of the Middle East into one coherent civilization. He really went out on top.

Before he shuffled off his mortal coil, Muhammad appointed four dudes to carry on his work. He called them “caliphs”. They would be the primary bureaucratic leaders of the new empire. To this day, the Sunni Muslims consider the original four caliphs and their descendants to be the true line of continuity for the faithful. The Shi’ite Muslims, however, feel that one of the four, a dude named Ali, was actually the bestest and truest caliph of them all, so they pay homage only to the hereditary line of Ali.

If this is starting to sound familiar to you, it’s because it is familiar to you.

Thirty Years War.........................War in Bosnia.......................The Troubles in Belfast

I won’t re-hash the Byzantine split from Rome, the Lutheran Reformation, the Puritan persecutions, the emergence of Zionism or the medieval Crusades or all the other sectarian craziness that has been waged in the name of religion. Let’s face it: if it hasn’t splintered into different warring factions, it isn’t really a proper religion, is it? Instead, this being 9/11, I’m going to narrow it down to what’s on everybody’s mind nowadays: Islam. Sorry to pick on you, Islam, but today you’re in the hot seat.

Back to our story: Islam flourished in the Middle East and eventually, a Turkish dude named Osman (Donny Osman, I think) put together an army of kick-ass light cavalry and founded the Ottoman Empire. These Musselman pushed all the way to Vienna, which scared the shit out of Christianized Europe. The schism between Muslim East and Christian West would continue for five hundred fucking years, until the Ottomans were dismantled (along with the Austro-Hungarian Empire) at the end of WWI.

For a brief moment, it seemed like there might be peace in our time. Islam still flourished in the Middle East and Africa, while Christianity ruled the West, albeit with a sprinkling of Jews here and there. The Crusades and the Great War were an embarrassment to enlightened Christians and Muslims alike. You do your thing, we’ll do ours, from now on.

But then…

Motherfuckin' oil, bitches!

One could argue that WWI was really the first oil war, with the West desirous of easy shipping access to the Middle East. It seems unlikely that some Serbian punk shooting a feathered archduke should plunge all of Earth into war. But it did. Why? Because the West and Russia had a common ambition: access to Ottoman territory. How to get it? Foment a war with those swarthy bastards and win it.

There’s ample evidence that Gavrilo Princip, the Serbian punk who shot Austria’s archduke Ferdinand, was tasked for the assassination by a group of Bulgarian criminals. These Bulgarian dudes had regular back-channel communication with…the court of the Russian Czar. Something may smell in Denmark, but it really reeked in Bulgaria.

Conspiracy theories aside, it seems quite clear that the dismantling of the Ottoman Empire opened up Mideast oil to the western powers. Pretty soon, Britain, France and Russia were making nicey-nice with the weakened states of the Middle East. They even started propping up otherwise unremarkable princes and creating new countries for them to rule. Iraq? Kuwait? They were created from whole cloth on a map, their borders designed to  divide oil assets, not demographic strata. Shi’ite? Sunni? What the fuck ever. Just shut up and keep the oil flowing.

Then came the American ascendancy. By the 1960’s, America’s insatiable thirst for oil outstripped its ability to produce. The solution was obvious: do like the Europeans. Leverage power in the Middle East and suck the deserts dry.

Our partner in peace.

Now, you can say a lot of things about Middle Eastern leaders. They have outdated mustaches, they wear funny hats, they bathe too often and they eat way too much goat. But you can’t call them stupid. They saw the West’s plan for them and they didn’t like it. In defiance, they formed OPEC: the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries. This cartel was formed to protect the economic interests of these comparatively weak powers against undue predation by the likes of Europe and the US.

They had the power to control oil production, which in turn affected speculative prices. Thus, they were essentially able to fix the price of oil. It’s kind of like being WalMart, except you get lots of armies and cool warplanes, too.

Oil is a business, and this also meant working closely with huge oil companies. And would you like to guess what happens when you closely align autocratic governmental power with corporate greed? Did you guess “ungodly corruption”? My, you’re a smartie!

The oil-rich states of the Middle East became corrupt bastards. While many of them used their tremendous oil wealth to improve public life for their people, they typically turned a blind eye to grinding poverty among the lowest of the low.

Most governments do the same thing, but in an Islamic state, the dismissive attitude is particularly galling to the rank-and-file Muslim. After all, they’re supposed to be submitting themselves to Allah, not to Exxon.

The lowest of the low, in kid form.

Your leader is a super-rich douchebag in league with corporate scumbags from the United States. Your imam tells you to submit to God, that all your earthly activity should be in this endeavor. Does it look like those who hold sway over your life are obeying the imam, obeying God? Not likely.

Then, you read about a new Jewish state in the Mideast being bankrolled by the United States. You may not really give a crap about Jews; you probably never met one. But when you read about the occupation of Palestinian lands, things start coming together. Super-wealthy leaders + Western corporate power + Israeli occupation of Arabs  + historical also-ran status + golden oil opportunity slipping away = desperation and anger.

For most Muslims, this calculation was just a daily digest that they swallowed, albeit bitterly. Kind of like how Americans know about rotten corporate lobbying and the evils of the military/industrial complex, but they just suck it up and move on to the next hurdle in life. You can’t get all worked up about this shit or you’ll go crazy.

...and this guy really did go crazy.

In Muslim Africa and Indonesia, these geo-political intrigues didn’t really mean very much. But in the Middle East, shit was starting to boil over. In Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq and the Arab states, small, angry groups started to get bigger and more vocal. National governments tried to squash these overly-religious troublemakers, but it’s kinda hard to persecute religious fanatics when your entire republic is founded on the institutionalization of that religion.

There are many routes to success. If you’re a little guy and you need to make your viewpoints known, you have options. You can form a group of like-minded individuals and spread the word. You can pool some resources and publish a book or three. You can leverage your meager successes to bankroll even bigger things, maybe a film about your struggle. If that seems to resonate, you’ll probably end up in the mass media. You’ll have a chance to really make that change.

Conversely, you can just start killing people.

Now, killing people shouldn’t be your first move. It’s frowned upon. But to crazy people, it seems like a good first option because it’s so darn effective at getting attention. Negative attention, for sure. But you can’t make an omlette without breaking a few eggs, eh?

What an ill-considered political statement may look like.

I’m not writing all this to excuse those evil fuck-wits who attacked the United States on 9/11 and who continue to perform outrageous acts of mass murder all around the globe. These people need to be found, isolated and destroyed, full stop.

What I am saying is that their religion, like many religions, is an excuse for their barbarity, not the source of their barbarity. Osama Bin Laden was  a very wealthy man. He had more options than most of us. He could have single-handedly begun a global dialog about grievances and problems. When you are smart and eloquent – and when your cause is just – you inevitably get heard.

If he had written a book, I’d have read it. If it made sense, I’d have defended it. If it had a road map to a better world, I’d have followed it.

But he didn’t write a book. His doctrine does not resonate with reasonable people. Even though his countrymen may have legitimate grievances, he completely fucked their plight, as well as ours.

Islamic extremists of every stripe are fuck-ups. They are incapable of reasonable exchange. That’s why they rely on terror. They offer nothing that the world wants. And it’s pretty ironic, considering the fact that the world wants change. It wants fairness and it wants justice. You’d think we’d all be clamoring to join their cause. But we don’t. We don’t because their cause is the mirror image of the cruel, vindictive, greedy evil bastards they despise. They can’t replace the evil elements in power because they are evil elements themselves.

If the US is bankrolling rotten Saudi leaders and a disliked Israeli state, let’s air that shit out. Let’s change the system from within. Let’s wear a tie and run for office. Let’s boycott. Let’s get the most people on our side. It works. From Ghandi to King to the fall of the Soviet system, a just cause with an eloquent voice can change the world.

Bombing innocent people? That’s for evil fucks. And these evil fucks will be defeated by more Ghandis, more Kings and more Russian nobodies who finally stand up and say “enough is enough from you fucking assholes”.

On this 9/11, I’m not in mourning. I’m just angry that our noblest impulses have been transformed into childish anti-Islamic crapola. We had a golden opportunity in the wake of 9/11 to unify the world and create a whole shitload of Ghandis and Kings. Instead, we went full retard and created armies of Osama Bin Ladens.

The people that died on that day aren’t calling from the grave for revenge. They are calling from the grave for a stop to the madness. They want a solution, not a war.

Muslim Americans have an interesting quirk: they are statistically likely to be law-abiding taxpayers and contributors to the nation. They tend to be educated and revere education. Like other religious folks, they can compartmentalize their religious lives into the American way of life. How many Islamic street gangs are there, selling crack and shooting up neighborhoods? How many American Muslim drunks come roaring out of bars and start fistfights in the streets? How many American Muslims roam the night, burglarizing houses and smashing windshields?

Almost none.

America: your war is not with Islam. Your war is with evil fucks. Some of those evil fucks are Muslims. Some are Christians. Some have political power. Some run corporations. There is no need to demonize a demographic; Evil knows no bounds and fears only enlightenment.